When You Were Young

I love to shop. And part of what I love about shopping is the instant gratification. If it's grocery shopping I've just done, I ransack through the bags taste-testing while restocking the fridge. If it's clothing, I wear the new item immediately; if it's shoes, I usually wear them out of the store. But I haven't tried on 30 yet. It's my new age. And I haven't been wearing it. I was like this when I became a lawyer. Yes, I actually was a lawyer, just like I actually am 30 but I didn't feel it. I couldn't own it. It wasn't me yet. I didn't wear it. And it was new; so unlike me not to want to wear something new. I was 24 and went out a lot and was constantly meeting people who asked what I did. I fumbled around with different answers. I was a lawyer, technically. But I didn't feel like one. I wasn't wearing it. I was still wearing student, or kid, or irresponsible. I was unemployed, then I was second seating my dad's partner on a trial, then I was actually litigating but I wasn't formally admitted and hated my job and thought I sucked at it anyway so I didn't feel authentic calling myself a lawyer. A lawyer knows what she's doing. A lawyer is a professional. A lawyer is also my dad. A lawyer just wasn't me.

And 30 feels the same. I have taken it out of the closet and kind of held it up against myself in front of the mirror but I haven't really tried it on and I definitely can't wear it out of the house yet. Not to say that I am not thrilled to be out of my twenties. It was about time.

I never had a 20th birthday. I had two 21st birthdays. My first 21st birthday took place at Rolf's, this German restaurant in the east 20's. We said it was my 21st and I drank for free all night. I don't remember the meal at all. In fact I don't remember much of the night except the crazy, eccentric decor in Rolf's and the constant toasting to my being 'legal.' My 30th birthday was one of the best nights of my life. I savored every moment.

I feel like I am 20 again, like a clean slate before the frenetic chaos of my twenties. My twenties were fraught with dramatic break-ups and make-ups, crazy runs after crazy nights, marathons, all-nighters of all different kinds: driving all night, drinking all night, all-night conversations about nothing and everything, traveling all night, doing drugs all night, seeing many a last call and after-partying until daylight and ending up at a diner, studying all night, writing all night, graduating college, going to law school, studying for the bar exam and then passing it on the first try - a miracle, being in love, getting my heart broken, living on my own, getting to live with my best friends, moving in with a boyfriend, being pregnant and actually wanting to keep the baby, being engaged, losing everything, making money, making enough money to live a certain way, finally having that job that enabled me to own and wear the fact that I was a lawyer. But I was never settled. I never knew who I was. I was constantly looking over my shoulder, restless and rushed, making snap decisions about my next move, feeling like there was never enough time to do everything because I wanted to do everything, really because I had no idea what I wanted to do.


And now I am 30. And I feel clean and brand new, as if my crazy twenties never happened. Because my twenties steered me way off course and all over the map. I crammed everything in to my twenties. I ran around literally and figuratively and metaphorically in every direction and back again like a hamster in a cage and now I am back to square one. My twenties was me frantic, standing in front of a mirror, clothing everywhere trying on different outfits thinking some might actually be the outfit until I turn a certain way in the mirror and suddenly this perfect outfit makes me look fat and I rip it off and put on something else and it's all wrong too and nothing looks right and I hate what I see in the mirror and it's New Year's Eve and I am going to a fabulous party and it's 11:00pm and supposedly there are going to be a lot of hot guys there. I am back to where I was when I turned 20, before the pressure and mania and chaos of my twenties; only I never turned 20. I turned 21 twice. Maybe that's what 30 is, another chance; a chance to take it slow, do it right because there really is no pressure, only the pressure you imagine. So like what you see in the mirror, think about what you're doing and what you want and like and actually savor the moment. That being said, I wouldn't change a thing about my twenties. I loved every moment; it was all necessary. It got me here.