A Deeper Shade of Soul

I received this email yesterday.

To: briana

Sent: Sat, 23 Sep 2006 12:57 PM

Subject: hello briana

hi. i know you probably do not want to hear from me and so i'm sorry if i'm overstepping some boundaries here. i don't expect you to respond if you do not want to. and if you do respond andtell me to screw off, i will understand that too. as for other stuff, i know you probably have your own ideas of what happened between us. i've always suspected that you thought i ditched you for him. i didn't briana.
i have not been able to stop thinking about you and i had to getin touch.

love,je

Shock.

The truth was I never stopped thinking about her. As much as I tried to convince myself that the JE I knew and loved who was my friend has ceased to exist, it was so hard to perceive her that way. I missed her constantly. I was able to process and deal with my break-up with Illinois. And as shocked and appalled and shocked and appalled as I was when I found out he got married a mere 8 months after he and I broke up, I dealt with that. Somehow I found a way to wrap my head around all of that and put it to bed. It never haunted me. It hurt a lot but it never haunted me because in some deep way, I knew it was right. I knew life would suck for a while but things between he and I were the way they were supposed to be. Things between she and I were not. She haunted me. I was abandoned like a newborn baby left to die in a dumpster by a teenage mom. I could not get my head around why. The JE I knew would never do that, not to me; it was maddening trying to figure it out. And I tried being mad. But I couldn't be mad without answers.

Once again, like when she left me, I am again in a place of great need. Being sick these past months, I have relied on people in ways that I have never had to or been able to before. It is very difficult for me to express need and to ask for help and accept help. But I have had to. And it doesn't get any easier. It is uncomfortable and unnatural for me. Suddenly in my inbox is an overture. Someone needs something from me. Finally. A welcome change from all of my needing. Not only that, it is the boldest request I have ever received; it is a request for forgiveness.

Suddenly in my inbox is the answer to almost two years of questions and lost sleep and missing links and torment and hurt and anger and confusion. Do I delete the email or do I do what I am scared to do but need to do; hear what she has to say. Am I strong enough? Do I need to want to go back there? I have come so far. There are things she needs to hear from me as well. And I've been waiting for so long to say them. Not doing so would be cutting off my nose to spite my face. I am doing this for me. Not because she's asking. I need to know why. So I can finally heal correctly. I have been walking around with my heart half closed because of my botched attempts at coping. Once I know the answers I can heal properly seal the wound and breathe again, whatever the answers are. I just need to hear what she has to say. I wrote her back.

On Sat, 23 Sep 2006, briana wrote:

i have missed you and thought about you every single day sinceNovember of 2004. But that doesn't mean I could ever trust you again to be my friend. Because when it came down to it and I needed you, you weren't my friend. I am not angry. I am confused and I don't understand whathappened and I am still very hurt. You broke my heart much worse than Illinois did. Much worse.

We emailed back and forth for the rest of the day and decided to meet up last night. Despite my trepidation I knew she was sincere. I couldn't get out of work and through yoga and back to Brooklyn fast enough. I had cancelled really fun plans because I felt like shit and suddenly I was getting ready like I was meeting up with some hot guy I couldn't keep my hands off of, excitement and adrenaline and nerves all converging in my stomach. I couldn't see her soon enough, despite the two years of hell and confusion that she caused me. I knew she had a lot of explaining to do. Yet, it was almost like we had come full circle, back to that November night in 2004 when I needed her so badly. She was here for me now and she was ready and I knew she would finally give me what I needed.

The bottom line for me is that it wasn't about her 'answers;' it couldn't be, my need was so vast, my disappointment so devastating, there wasn't anything she could say to fill that void. It is her sincerity, integrity, awareness and courage in coming to me now to make her amends and right her wrongs that is paramount. That takes a certain kind of person. That takes the JE that I once knew. Hopefully my instincts are right. Only time will tell. I must tread slowly and carefully.

Morning after: I feel so exposed and vulnerable and my heart is aching but at least it's breathing again. It's like air is flooding to this dark place that had been hurting so much but I've kept wrapped up so tightly. I am on emotional overload because being with her last night flashed light in a dark place and I am on so many drugs I don't know what's me and what's not me but I do know that being with JE last night after two years is me.... I am reeling. I don't know how I held it in that long. I don't know how I let it fester for that long. It's mind boggling. That's where I am right now. Happy to be in touch with JE again. I feel wholer than I have since that awful night.

Is that forgiveness?