A Family Affair

A sibling may be the keeper of one's identity, the only person with the keys to one's unfettered, more fundamental self. ~Marian Sandmaier

Children of the same family, the same blood, with the same first associations and habits, have some means of enjoyment in their power, which no subsequent connections can supply... ~Jane Austen, Mansfield Park, 1814

It's my birthday on Monday and I am having this whole party dinner thing. Even my parents are coming. It's not what I usually do for my birthday. Usually my birthday is some big drunken bar bash but this year my sister organized a really nice dinner for me at a really cute restaurant and it is going to be a very special, different kind of celebration this year. We decided that 30 should be different and special. And she contacted the restaurant and put it all together, from the menu to the evite ... to everything. Yes, she loves that stuff. Yes, she wants to be a party planner but she really took the initiative here and thought about me and what I would want and made it stress-free and special all for me. She started planning in June. My birthday is Monday. That's how much initiative and how proactive my sister is when it comes to me and how special my sister wanted to make my birthday.

Every year since I don't know how long, my parents' birthday present to me has been dinner at Peter Luger's. I have steak on my birthday every year and our immediate family, sometimes a straggler or two and whoever has a boyfriend or girlfriend at the time attends. This year got complicated because my actual birthday is on Yom Kippur. We first decided to do Peter Luger's on Sunday. My sister made the reservation for 4:45pm. That was too late for my dad because of Yom Kippur. Fine. We decide to change Luger's to Saturday night. No dice, they were completely booked. The end result is dinner at one of our favorite Greek places in Astoria on Saturday night the theory being that the family dinner is paramount; not the steak. I guess I am maturing. Ha. Everything seemed to fall into place lovely after that blip. Until recently, I didn't even think I'd be able to eat steak so the Luger's thing wasn't a big deal and the family thing is so ....

Weeks go by.

Yesterday evening I receive an email from my sister stating that she just received a call from a friend of her old college roommate who is planning a surprise bachelorette party for the college roommate on Saturday night. My sister says she feels obligated to go despite the short notice and PLANS that she has because she bagged her old roomie's bridal shower. I don't know what to do. How am I supposed to feel? How do I feel?

Being sick is like being a celebrity. Sometimes your family treats you the same. And sometimes I think they resent the attention and feel like they've given you enough and everyone is giving you so much and it shouldn't all be about you and don't they deserve a break from you so if they miss this one thing, there is enough going on celebrating you and giving you attention so they can miss it. Part of me actually feels that way; that my sister just needs a break from all of this. I have been a full time job lately. She definitely deserves a break. But does it have to come now on my birthday? I know that isn't her style. I know she isn't trying to take a stand. She isn't vengeful and I know she isn't trying to make a point but she does deserve time off and to do something for herself. So I am torn.

I also know how my sister is about feeling obligated. We're very different in that respect. I have to force my self to feel obligated and remind myself of committments I've made. She has to remind herself when plans are tentative. She focuses more on the committments she's made than the people she's made them to. I am the exact opposite. Unfortunately, we never see eye to eye in that respect and I think we are both a little off the deep end in our extremes in that regard.

So here we are. At an impasse. My feelings: It is my birthday. I want my family dinner. I changed it from Sunday night for my dad. I changed the restaurant we've had it at from time immemorial. For other reasons, Friday poses some problems. What do I do. How am I supposed to feel? How do I feel? I can't be happy if my sister's not happy. But it's not my birthday dinner if my sister's not there. And I want my birthday dinner.

Enter my brother. I call him to find out if I am being selfish. Am I being greedy. Am I being immature. But does my sister really have to be there for the surprise part of the bachelorette party? Can't she catch up with the party after my dinner? They gave her no notice! Come on now: A) the no notice thing, they can't expect her just to be free or at the least, they have to understand if she's not; and B) her plans are MY birthday dinner, her sister. I think her old roommate would understand. My brother listens to everything I have to say without interruption. He is patient and open. My brother mulls it all over. We try to think of other solutions. He doesn't take a side. He listens patiently to my story. He evaluates hers. We both know how she is about feeling obligated. We don't bash her. We discuss other options. An early dinner on Saturday? No, because I have a hair appointment. Should I cancel it, I ask my brother? He says no, out of the question. I am not sure whether he is sympathetic to the family dinner aspect or whether he is being ultra-sensitive to me because I haven't exactly been rational and even-tempered lately. But either way, he is a soothing force and he empathizes with me. And he's my little brother. He's always going to be on my side and I don't care what it is that sways him, and he is always going to be on her side as well. He wants to faction a plan that accomodates us both. See, he's her little brother too. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

The mildest, drowsiest sister has been known to turn tiger if her sibling is in trouble. ~Clara OrtegaAfter a girl is grown, her little brothers - now her protectors - seem like big brothers. ~Astrid Alauda