The Glamorous Life

Why are people so weird or is it me. I don't get them at all. You think you have a good time with someone. You know you connect and then whoosh it's like nothing ever happened. The LG thing is so weird. He is an elusive cat and I knew that so I am not offended or hurt; I am just kind of confused. It's like what I said about 31 months ago, you have fun and you don't want to do it again? Of course, I am the girl who rode the cyclone 5 times in a row and would have kept going if the people I went to Coney Island with that day hadn't gotten forced me to stop. Maybe I go into overkill. I will eat the same thing every day until I get sick of it. My latest obsession is animal crackers. I need some every day and at some point I will hate animal crackers but still. I am not asking to marry you. And I am not asking you to be my latest obsession. I just thought we had fun and fun is always something I can never have enough of.

Funny that with platonic friends it isn't like that at all. You can hang out and ask them to hang out again and they don't freak out and back off. They feel safe enough to know that you are not asking for more than dinner or a movie or a couple of beers or whatever it is you are literally asking for.

But boys don't seem to think that when you want to see them again. And I don't understand why. Because that is all you are asking for. A little more of what you enjoyed the first time. Nothing more. You don't know them that well; that well enough to have any designs on making them your boyfriend or having some sort of a dull routine.

Anyway, me, where I am right now, not to scare you boys all away who want to wife me and shit, but I have enough on my plate and don't want to make too much room for you. I just want someone I can chill with sometimes and have some fun and then you can go move your car at 8:00am and go back to whence you came. I want to go out to dinner and have sex and see movies and have long conversations about nothing and everything and take showers and then have the rest of my week to myself and the other things going on in my life; my life which is very full and enriching right now.

My life right now is the fourth of July and I am rapt watching the sky explode with fireworks. I have friends back that I haven't had in ages and I want to spend time with them. I have friends I have had my whole life who haven't gone anywhere and I want to spend time with them. I love the writing that I am doing so much of and don't want to be distracted from it because it is pouring out of me in such a delicious way I want to need to must take full advantage. And I want the ability to be spontaneous and disappear and be by myself and end up walking around the neighborhood or on some wild goose chase for the best meat samosa in the city and then end up at the movies or Roosevelt Island or Pennsylvania. But people don't understand that.
I seem to scare away boys with my direct approach. Or maybe they just aren't the right boys if they get scared by little old me. I am just asking for what I want. I'd rather not wish hope and wait that they will figure it out. That is a new lesson I've learned. And it has been hard won.

My friends are getting it finally and I am loving them for it. They used to think I screened my calls and broke plans and didn't show up and didn't ask for help and didn't call because I didn't want need or love them the way I do. The truth is I just didn't want to impose and I didn't know how to ask. And I was afraid of hearing the answer no. And what a disservice I was doing to the institution of friendship and what an insult to assume the worst from my friends before I gave them a chance to disappoint. Why live under the illusion that oh since I didn't ask, I don't know that they wouldn't say yes so they must be good friends. Well now I know that they actually are. They are passing this test with flying colors. I don't even have to express my specific needs. I expressed that I need to be stalked right now in my time of need. And that sometimes I will screen my calls and sometimes I do just disappear but it is no reflection on them; it is just how I deal. And now I am getting the 'how are you doing today,' phone calls that I am desperate for, and the impromptu, 'do you want to grab dinner,' calls that I love. And all I had to do was ask. And they ran with it. They gave me more than I ever thought they would and are surrounding me with what I need. Meanwhile, a little sumthin somthin is so hard to get....