A Moment of Clarity

rowasa, zoloft, rifaximin, trazedone hcl, cortifoam, clonazepam, pentasa, alprazolam, ambien, mercapturine, prednisone, ferrous sulfate, famotidene, ciprofloxacin, sulfasalazine, and medroxyprogesterone. Two new prescriptions today. Ordered two refills today. The drugs keep me locked in the present tense and the drugs keep me locked in a routine.

The drugs are a constant reminder that my life is over. The drugs are keeping my body functioning while at the same time reminding me how precarious my health is. I am one missed pill away from a relapse. So much happened this week yet the disease and the routine of taking the drugs holds me hostage like a ship stuck in the middle of a storm. The drugs and the disease keep me focused on now.

My only option right now while I feel my immortality slipping away and sober mortality replacing is to become the best person I can be and make peace and rise above. Some good things have come out of this new me I have been forced to become.
Life is flooding and rushing where it used to be still. My tools are absorbing and getting the most out of each moment, trying not to fear and aiming for clarity and taking full advantage of opportunities when I have them. The night with LG is a perfect example. I drank that night up like it was my first milkshake. It was cool. It was refreshing. I felt the sweetness travel through my veins from my mouth through my body to the tips of my fingers and toes and I let it envelope me. I drank every last drop and savored every perfect moment. I took full advantage of the opportunity I was given to surrender to the moment without thinking of the future or the past or allowing my negative thoughts remove me from the night. Clarity. Present tense. No fear.

Clarity. I gave my sister my blessing to not attend my family birthday dinner. I would previously have perceived that as either giving up or giving in but now I see it as letting her be her. I know she is wrong. Everyone does. It doesn't matter. She has a relationship with obligation that is skewed and warped and this isn't about her college roommate versus me; her ties with her old roommate are not strong and her ties with me are. This is about her relationship with obligation and promises. This funky quality of hers is endearing because it is so uniquely her. When it comes between us it always causes strife. Now I am letting go of trying to have my way with it; it is her issue and I am not taking it on anymore. Let it get in the way of her other relationships; it will no longer get in the way of ours. This is a step in a direction I would never have gone had I not been sick. But I have my blind spots too. So I should allow her hers.

Clarity regarding AC. I had no idea of the feelings she had about JE. To think she allowed my feelings to consume 50 Carroll Street when she had so many of her own. She listened to me agonize and complain and speculate and never spoke about her own pain or issues with JE. Only now her feelings are coming out. She told me that whenever she thinks about seeing JE at my birthday party she starts to cry so she'd like to take me out to celebrate some other time and not attend my birthday party. That is so AC. She isn't being passive-aggressive. She isn't being a martyr. And maybe I would have taken that easy way out at one point and not stepped up to the plate and chosen to disinvite JE instead. But I am aware of how AC saved my life. I am honored and grateful to have the opportunity to pay back something of the large debt I owe her for all she's done for me. I am have been given a gift; the opportunity to do something meaningful for AC. The couple of beers and a dinner here and there does not compare with a life saved.

Fear must be overlooked when I ask JE to understand. I have never done anything like this. And it has nothing to do with how I feel about JE and all to do with how I feel about AC. The JE that came to me with humbleness and an open heart the other day must be willing to trust me that this has nothing to do with the past or revenge or picking AC over her and everything to do with an obligation I have to AC. If she wants this friendship with me she has to trust in me that I will keep her safe and I am not trying to hurt her. If I were thinking of the past in making this decision, I would not even have responded to her email or invited her to attend my birthday party. I hope it will help JE and I navigate through our new relationship. In the past two years our lives changed a lot; messes were made and we have a lot of untangling to do. We are not going back to the friendship we had unscathed nor are we bringing the past two years with us into the future. It is a delicate balance we must find as we acclimate to the water together.

Life as I knew it is over and all of my happiness might be in the past. And I didn't appreciate it when I had it. I don't know what my future brings. Or if I even have one. So I stay completely locked here because I know this is real and I know I have it. Nothing else is certain. So let me go, I need to take 4 Pentasa, a famotidene, a cipro, a trazedone and my birth control pill now.