Don't Let Me Get Me

I keep complaining to K. about how I am not getting what I need from others. I know they have no idea what I am going through. How can they. They are my peers, they are young. They don't know about immortality and suddenly having to make untenable choices that will effect your entire future. This is scary to them. They feel like I must be different than I was and therefore they feel like they can't act the same.

They don't know about needing to make an excel spreadsheet to ascertain when to take what drug because I am on so many. Two I take at only bedtime. One I take twice a day, another I take four of twice a day. One I take every morning except for Monday, Wednesday and Friday where I take two. One I take four times a day. One I take three times a day. One I take once a day but only at night. And the last is discretionary; two before bed and one in the morning and the discretionary part is midday. I don't have them in front of me so I know I am missing one or two. The part that makes it really fun is that some you can't take within an hour or so of each other which is impossible sometimes or one will require water or a small meal and another that I need to take at the same time requires an empty stomach.

The friends who have given me levity are saving me. When I was in and out of the hospital and at orange high alert level and taking all of the uncomfortable tests, S. texted me, "Feel better, and think of it this way, bet no one else we know got it up the ass today!" Despite having no viable veins left and a fever of 102 and just being in dire straights all around, that made me laugh; and I needed to laugh. When I had my 'state of the union' doctor's appointment last Thursday and was given my three choices for the rest of my life, 1) removal of my entire colon; 2) the steroids, or 3) the chemo-like drug that causes birth defects, C. wrote,"fuckin..' a" - are you home? do you want company tonight? I think you are probably going to have to become a regular smoker of the green stuff." She validated the seriousness of the situation without treating me like I was going to break. ..n..n ..nMy favorite email exchange was between BE and I last weekend when we were coordinating our friend A..'s big 30th birthday present. Obviously there had to be some sentimental aspect, we had to drop some serious dough and we all had to agree. I was at my most crazy but BE got in there with me and worked with me: ..n..n..n..nFrom Briana to BE:..nSorry i am being difficult. i feel like the grinch. it isn..'t that i don..'t love A. or want to make the effort but I can..'t do it right now. my body..'s all fucked up and i am grumpy and ..nannoyed and all side-effected out and feel like complete shit. i am sorry to always be complaining and no fun. i am starting to..n hate myself and how i am treating other people. i think i am dying. anyway, i love you b ..n..n ..nFrom BE to Briana:..n..nGrinchiana, I have been racking my head for days on this opening song and your split second suggestion is the best thing I have so ..n",1]);//-->"fuckin' a" - are you home? do you want company tonight? I think you are probably going to have to become a regular smoker of the green stuff." She validated the seriousness of the situation without treating me like I was going to break.

My favorite email exchange was between BE and I last weekend when we were coordinating our friend A's big 30th birthday present. Obviously there had to be some sentimental aspect, we had to drop some serious dough and we all had to agree. I was at my most crazy but BE got in there with me and worked with me:
From Briana to BE:
Sorry i am being difficult. i feel like the grinch. it isn't that i don't love A. or want to make the effort but I can't do it right now. my body's all fucked up and i am grumpy and annoyed and all side-effected out and feel like complete shit. i am sorry to always be complaining and no fun. i am starting to hate myself and how i am treating other people. i think i am dying. anyway, i love you b

From BE to Briana:
Grinchiana, I have been racking my head for days on this opening song and your split second suggestion is the best thing I have so far! So please belligerantly rattle of some more for the CD..'s and ..nwe..'re set ;) ..nherman dont die before you get me those songs, thanks! ..nBE ..n..nFrom Briana to BE:..nAs for the toast, let..'s wait on the xanax kicking in otherwise the toast will sound like the one made by Adam Sandler in the beginning ..nof the Wedding Singer and I don..'t think anyone wants that. love,b..n..n..nSo many people are keeping their distance from me or from it. It..'s hard because everyone asks if I need anything. I want to be like, "I want you to stop acting so weird! It..'s me .... don..'t talk to me about glasses being half full or having faith in modern medicine or how strong I am or how I should be positive," I don..'t want any of that shit. Let..'s go out and get a drink or something. Let me watch you drink. ..n..n ..nI am not being negative about it but it isn..'t something I am happy about so I would prefer not to hear these canned responses that do not address where I am. I know I am going to get through it. I know I am strong. I know I am not going to die. I know it could be worse. But be here with me. I am so lonely and isolated in it. That is where the challenges are. It sucks that my health is precarious right now but I got some good doctors working on me. What I need is from my friends is to jump in here with me for a minute and hang out with the fear and listen to me talk about it and accept that there is nothing they can do to help, no wise words that will change reality. And continue to talk to me about your life. I miss hearing about it. It isn..'t all about me! I am sick of myself. I want gossip. I want to be included in your life too; I won..'t think it..'s frivolous compared to mine. I want to hear about you and the funny/shitty/annoying thing that happened to you today. And speaking of frivolous, my birthday is two weeks from today. Since I..'m sick I can ask. I want cupcakes. I want to be taken out to dinner. I want sexy lingerie. I want anything that isn..'t catscans or colonoscopies or hospital gowns or blood tests or daily doctor..'s visits or side effects or prescriptions or blood pressure tests or sympathetic looks from other patients or referrals to other doctors or not seeing an end in sight...n",1]);//-->far! So please belligerently rattle off some more for the CD's and we're set ;)
herman don't die before you get me those songs, thanks!
BE
From Briana to BE:
As for the toast, let's wait on the xanax kicking in otherwise the toast will sound like the one made by Adam Sandler in the beginning of the Wedding Singer and I don't think anyone wants that. love,b
So many people are keeping their distance from me or from it. It's hard because everyone asks if I need anything. I want to be like, "I want you to stop acting so weird! It's me .... don't talk to me about glasses being half full or having faith in modern medicine or how strong I am or how I should be positive," I don't want any of that shit. Let's go out and get a drink or something. Let me watch you drink.

I am not being negative about it but it isn't something I am happy about so I would prefer not to hear these canned responses that do not address where I am. I know I am going to get through it. I know I am strong. I know I am not going to die. I know it could be worse. But be here with me. I am so lonely and isolated in it. That is where the challenges are. It sucks that my health is precarious right now but I got some good doctors working on me. What I need from my friends is for them to jump in here with me for a minute and hang out with the fear and listen to me talk about it and accept that there is nothing they can do to help, no wise words that will change reality. And continue to talk to me about your life. I miss hearing about it. It isn't all about me! I am sick of myself. I want gossip. I want to be included in your life too; I won't think it's frivolous compared to mine. I want to hear about you and the funny/shitty/annoying thing that happened to you today. And speaking of frivolous, my birthday is two weeks from today. Since I'm sick I can ask. I want cupcakes. I want to be taken out to dinner. I want sexy lingerie. I want anything that isn't catscans or colonoscopies or hospital gowns or blood tests or white blood counts or hormone levels or metabolic rates or daily doctor's visits or side effects or prescriptions or blood pressure tests or sympathetic looks from other patients or referrals to other doctors or not seeing an end in sight...n ..nSo after you make fun of me for being on steroids and the fact that you soon may have to call me Brian instead of Briana, tell me about the fight you had with your boyfriend or girlfriend or your annoying boss and let..'s go get burgers. Food has never tasted so good. ..n..n..n",0]);D(["ce"]);//-->

So after you make fun of me for being on steroids and the fact that you soon may have to call me Brian instead of Briana, tell me about the fight you had with your boyfriend or girlfriend or your annoying boss and let's go get burgers. Food has never tasted so good.