I Want You To Want Me

"But it's our time now," V. shouted drink in hand, beer swilling around and over and out of her glass with emphasis. "Well what about the younger boys," I asked her. "I don't want someone who doesn't know what they're doing," she responded. I agreed. Who wants to be a teacher. A. added that they get more skilled as they age. They do. But they are less willing and have less stamina and are less interested and can say no to sex and aren't pursuing sex the way they did when it was their time.

When it was their time we had all the power. Sex was currency back then. We knew that any guy would have us. We knew that all guys wanted us. We saw their lascivious, leering looks. Having that power gave us a heady feeling. It was our unique superpower but we had no clue how to use it. And the strength and effect of it was scary. We didn't want to give you the wrong idea yet we wanted to be wanted; we desired being desired. But the urgency with which our male peers responded to us was fierce and intimidating and when we flirted we weren't saying, "yes I will sleep with you now," but they took any glance or positive response as a sign that we were interested and they should feel free pursuing. And pursue they did. You had to be very careful of your glances and gestures and clothing. When the guys were drunk it was doubly challenging. We girls had to keep an eye on each other because it was very easy to get into a dangerous situation with a drunk guy who is using his physical power and all the persuasive skill he has to get you into a dark corner. And being a young woman who wants this guy to like her, you don't want to be rude. Similarly, being young, you don't want to be ridiculed for making a scene. We were straddling a very fine line. I didn't wear anything even slightly low cut or sexy. My father never had to tell me to put more clothing on. I felt like my 34D's got me into enough precarious situations without being shown-off. Now I am smart enough to know an asset when I have one and I am confident enough to show off an asset when I have one. But now no-one's looking.

Now the men have all the power. V was right. It is our time. We want sex now. We need sex now. We know what we're doing now. We are not self-conscious about our bodies anymore; when we were younger we wanted the lights off or wanted to remain under the covers or left a t-shirt on. Now we want to flaunt, we want to entice, we want marathon sex sessions. We have learned how to use the power of our sexuality now yet it no longer packs the same punch. It's like guys are immune to it. All those years of rejection tempered its power. They've learned how to make do. They've learned to see us as three dimensional people and they've learned to respect us as equals. That's a good thing. Being perceived by you as an object created solely for your pleasure is not what I am fondly reminiscing about. But can't a girl be both?

This is yet another way you men have it good. When you are 19-year old horndogs you are neither particular about the girl or the fact that she is just lying there and you don't realize what you are missing. We, on the other hand know exactly what we're missing. We remember the looks of desire we received. We remember being told that you'd die if you couldn't sleep with us and the threats of blueballs you gave us. We remember your enthusiasm, your urgency, your ability to keep going and going and going without a break and how you'd wake up hard in the morning and we'd wake up sore. We also have 11 years of life experience and 11 years more of sex than you did when it was your time.

Additionally, our new found, hard won confidence is another element making it difficult for us. We don't want to give ourselves to anyone who'll have us; we are picky about who we sleep with. We know we're special and amazing and have no interest in having sex and then waking up with some random dude that doesn't deserve the privilege of even seeing us naked. We don't need to hear, "I love you," we don't need to hear, "I want to marry you," we just need a certain modicum of respect. Respect is something that has no relationship with what kind of relationship we are engaging in. I want to know you respect me even if it's just random booty call sex we're having.

Regarding the sex itself, we need it to be good; we want you to be insatiable; we want you to ravage us; we don't want to do all the work; we don't want you to be too tired and we want to do it again in the morning. To get those two ingredients together is a rare treat. It does happen. It just doesn't happen very often.

Women my age are outraged. This is all they talk about. We stand in tight circles in Williamsburg as we look around us and only see tall, skinny guys with coiffed hair who we know could never please us. We talk about it with frustration in the meatpacking district when all the guys who come up to us have nary an original word to say and are all short. We talk about it when we make dinner for each other. We talk about it over brunch at each other's houses.

I thought it was just me. 2006 was the first year in my sexually active life that I had barely any sex. I figured I wanted it so much because I wasn't having it, like being hungrier when you're on a diet or how you always find the best stuff when you go shopping when you have no money to spend. But no. It's our time. We're ready now. And we're all in this together. The sisterhood is rebelling. We are angry at the guys that can't get it up, the guys that are 'two pump chumps,' the guys that aren't in the mood, the guys that can take it or leave it, the guys that are lazy and make you do all the work and the guys that just go through the motions. What the fuck? We're handing ourselves to you on a silver platter and you don't even want it or know what to do with it. Where does that leave us? Why must we always be out of sync with each other? It's time to kill the ridiculous stereotypes that all guys want is sex because you don't.

V told me the other night that I had huge balls for writing this blog, she can't believe some of the things I admit to, and agreed that it probably intimidates guys. It's certainly changed many of my relationships with family, friends and relations with the opposite sex. This particular one will undoubtedly make my situation with the opposite sex even more dire. So boys please know I am not pointing the finger at anyone specific; I have culled my research from conversations with all of my single lady friends. So I don't mean you or you or you or you specifically. I mean all of you generally. But there are always exceptions. And to the exceptions, we love you. Call us, take us out to dinner and then back to your place. You know who you are.