Extraordinary Machine

What a difference a year or two makes. Last New Year's Day was so anti-climactic. I couldn't get out of my funk.

"I thought I had written about my love travails but maybe not all of them. It is January 1, 2006. And I am lonely and alone. I wonder if it will always be this way. I am starting to think that it will. For all I read about the nature of people and the biological need to mate; there is none of that in my life. And I am starting to really crave it. I didn't want 1982 to come to my sister's New Year's party and I got my wish but I was hoping that the OC would and I would get my wish. But I didn't get that wish. And that's fine because when I spoke to him he was very drunk and I didn't like that. He didn't sound like himself. He sounded like every other drunk man I have ever known. I don't want to know another one. And I am disappointed about that too. I wanted him to be different. I wanted us to like each other and for him to be different than the other men I have been with. And I wanted us to be happy. And since I can't seem to catch a break in that department, here I am still alone. And lonely." "How do I make this year different than the last? I did not have high expectations for 2005. On December 31, 2004 I officially moved out of 102 President Street. J and Mommy were with me. I hadn't realized how much was left there. We each had to make a few trips. The new couple that was taking our place had already moved their stuff into the apartment so it was a mess. I couldn't stop crying and I threw shit in bags and brought it downstairs only to have to come up for more. Illinois had left his passport and some other important stuff in our place so I took them with me for safekeeping. Now that seems insane. Why the hell did I do that. Anyway, AC agreed to have people over at our place for New Year's Eve which was a major scramble. We had to clean up and put away everything that I had just brought over, which was a lot. And we had to go to Costco to get alcohol and party food. I was a mess because I had just left that apartment for the last time and saw a new couple moving in - future and dreams still intact. AC was stressed because we had a lot of work to do and little time to do it and her new roommate was in her own world and didn't seem to care much about what needed to be done. I ran outside to throw out garbage and there was furniture on the street being gotten rid of. As I looked through it for hidden treasure, a cute young man also started to sift through it. He asked me what I thought of a wicker bookshelf he was checking out. For a second I thought that maybe things would be different in 2005. Then a pick-up truck rolled up and Illinois got out, my futon in tow. He had promised he'd bring it over; he gave the cute guy I was talking to the look of death and the cute guy quickly disappeared into the night. Looking back, that night is symbolic of my entire year. Moments of hope and then a reality check initiated by Illinois. That's how our relationship was too; me waiting for the other shoe to drop again and again and again as if Illinois was an octopus or a centipede. Meanwhile he only had two feet."

Ironically I sound stronger coming in to 2005 than 2006. I wasn't completely worn out coming into 2005. I was devasted and destroyed but believed that good things were on the horizon. I just moved in with one of my oldest, dearest friends and was excited to be starting my dream job on January 2 so I believed things would soon turn around. How could they not. By the end of that year I was exhausted from the struggle and had little fight or optimism left in me. I had hit mile 22 of my metaphorical marathon - the wall. The job sucked. Grandma had died. Illinois had gotten married. My colitis was starting to exhibit new symptoms. I gained a lot of weight. I was no longer a believer. I resigned myself to mediocrity to not ever being happy to believing that all good things were in the past.

Now I am in a completely different place. I am excited for the new year. I am excited because I am back in control. I am standing up and I am strong. I am hoping for a New Year's kiss (and I have someone in mind who I want it from, I hope he comes to the party; he said he'd at least stop by) but whether I get one or not, V is having a party and I have a short and sexy purple dress to wear and I know I am going to have an amazing New Year's Eve and that's because I am in the right space; I am happy, there isn't much that could penetrate through my hard won happiness. Come January 2, the real work will begin. You know, getting my finances in order, getting serious again about my book, planning my next vacation and generally getting organized. I needed the month of December to go crazy and have fun and indulge. I am excited to be productive come January.

I am loathe to jinx myself but I think the journey that started in November of 2004 is finally over. I have arrived. It feels like I completed a marathon. Ecstatic, euphoric, proud, but with the scars of the past two years to always remind me about what happened and how strong I am so next time I embark on a big challenge, I will always remember that I have the tools to get through it. Anyway, one of RC's theories is that life is comprised of two year cycles. If that is the case, I just finished one and I am at the beginning of a new one. I have no idea what it will bring but I sense it will finally be the good stuff promised by Illinois two years ago.