I Can See Clearly Now

I have a good feeling about 2007. I really do.

I love arbitrary fresh starts. That's why I love New Year's Eve and my birthday. I take advantage of them and use them as opportunities to change direction, re-evaluate, go back to my to-do list which was usually abandoned somewhere around April and see what still needs to be done, what I still want to do etc. My mother loves to quip when I voice my opinion on the subject that to her, every day is her birthday and every day is a gift. That is very nice and if it works for her, great. It doesn't work for me. I need jump starts; I need spring / fall cleaning. I take them where I can get them. Since I don't have the incentive on my own, I use the days already on the calendar to fullfill that need. So I use these days to jump off the ferris wheel and recommitt and reevaluate and repromise and take stock of what I've accomplished (and pat myself on the pack if need be) and move on to bigger and better and change direction and cross things off the list that I no longer want to do.

I don't only make New Year's resolutions. I do something similar on my birthday too. But my birthday has a slightly different purpose. It isn't about, 'look at me, I made it through another year;' it's about, 'let me be good to myself today and surround myself with those I love and bask in arms around me and kisses and hugs and feel good about myself today.'

I feel this New Year's Eve the way I did about turning 30. Like this year is going to be different. I've spent over two years under construction, scaffolding everywhere, covering me while the new foundation was laid for the new me. Now I am ready to be unleashed and uncovered and I am ready to move forward. I wanted to believe 2005 would be different because I needed to believe it would be but deep down I knew I wasn't ready. I was still deep in my funk, frantically rebuilding when when the ball dropped in 2006. Now as the dawn of 2007 approaches, the fog has lifted and I can finally see my future. I am no longer locked in the present tense. I am not rebuilding, making sure my foundation is strong and can withstand inclement weather. I know it is. I did good.

I could look at the past two years as a waste because I didn't make progress in the traditional sense and if all of that shit hadn't happened with Illinois, I wouldn't have had to rebuild at all. That's one way of looking at it. Since I am a half full person, who manipulates reality to suit me, I chose to believe I am a better person for it. Yes I lost some innocence, my naivete, my recklessness, some fearlessness but gained awareness, confidence and so many tools I never would have had that will serve me better than those ever did. Anyway, I am still more fearless than the average person. I am still an adventurer. I still take chances. I still do things and fight for things that others' think are impossible (my sister and mother being two of the leaders of that group, "You can't afford it, "we will miss the train / plane," "we don't have time," real 'Debbie Downers' those two can be). Meanwhile I chose to believe that I can mold my life into the piece of art that I want it to be, time and money be damned. I am real. They are not. I am in control of them, they do not control me. That's my best and worst quality.

My biggest dream when Brooklyn and I broke up was for us to remain friends, cliche I know, but I couldn't imagine not growing old with the guy and not knowing him forever. So far I have been unsuccessful in that endeavor. It doesn't sting like it used to. Anyway, failure is something I can deal with when I know I have honestly kicked ass trying. And I have with him. He isn't ready. I can't argue with that. I am cool with that.

My to-do list for 2007: learn how to surf, work on a death penalty case in the south, go on a Bikram yoga retreat in an exotic locale, run a marathon, have the threesome with 31 we've been plotting since the summer, finish my book, get my finances in order and most importantly, be a better sister to my two little chickens.

I couldn't even think like this last New Year's Eve or the one prior. I couldn't see through the fog surrounding me. Now I see possibility where I couldn't before. I know I have power and choices and I have my dreams back. Now I just have to make them come true. And that's the easy part.