I Remain Calm

I get it.
I know what the shopping was all about. People don't regress to self-destructive, compulsive behavior for no reason. I know what it's all about now.

I have spent two years being really busy trying to get my life on track. Since Illinois and I broke up, and really even before that, life's been crazy. When I lived with the two roommates on Sacket Street we were all messes. We talked about having the 'quarter-life crisis,' because we had no clue how we ended up where we were and what to do about it. We went through clothes, guys, alcohol, and jobs and got no closer. Then I met Illinois and moved in with him. Two years later we broke up in a chaotic blaze of blinding pain. Since then I have moved twice. Finally after being fired I accepted what I want to do which paved the way for many other changes and possibilities. I did a lot of healing and self-reflecting and rebuilding and started doing yoga and had knee surgery and started celebrating 30th birthdays with J9's in Vegas in February of 2005 culminating with V's at the end of November. I've been everywhere. I tied up loose ends. I got over Brooklyn, a minor miracle. I got over Illinois and came to terms with his marriage. Life was dazzling and busy and crazy. Every day was too short. Then when I thought life was finally about to slow down and start in earnest because I finally figured it all out and was ready and fully healed and fully set-up for my future to start I got really sick. Being as sick as I was was like my personal 9/11 or hurricane Katrina, you know, unexpectadly bad, completely incomprehensible, larger and scarier than anything I could have ever imagined or conceived of and completely out of my control in the worst way possible with direr consequences than anything I'd gone through previous to that. That was this summer and I became consumed and challenged and had the shit kicked out of me by that. I was scared for my life. I was thrown for a new loop every day. I don't know how I did it. I really don't know how I did it.

Now my life is organized and ready to start again. I have all of this extra space and extra room in my life and with my time now that I don't know what to do with. The shopping was an easy way for me not to acknowledge what the extra space is for. Dangle a new pair of shoes in front of me and I'll forget my name. So it clicked for me yesterday on Christmas Day (we celebrated it on the Eve because it was more convenient for everyone) what the denial was over.

I was one of two single people at Christmas. Oddly, whenever I have been single, now included, I never feel like a loser or like there must be something wrong with me or like everyone feels bad for me. And I didn't feel like that yesterday. But I realized that it was my third single Christmas in a row. That's weird for me. I was always the one with the boyfriend and when I didn't have one, I always had a ton of options. And now I don't. I know I keep saying this. I sound like a broken record even to myself. But I think that's what this extra space is for. A boyfriend. What else could it be? I have done and am doing everything else I have wanted to do and get done and accomplish in these two years, which was why I didn't have a boyfriend and relished the fact that for the first time ever, no one I got involved with was trying to trick or coerce me into a relationship. I am now on my feet and I am set up the way I want to be. I am temping, not because I am looking for another lawyer job but to free up my life in order to write. And I am writing. A lot. I'm not lonely. I'm not 'tired of being alone', like the song. I'm not bitter, cynical, 'love is a battlefield' woman either. I am just me with an empty space in my life which is probably supposed to be filled by some sort of significant other.

I am of mixed minds about this single thing. I am never sad but lately realizing that I am sometimes lonely when I never was before. I have done enough cleaning and reconstructing and inventory taking that there is room for another person to share my space. The thing is that all the guys out there seem the same and I don't mean that in a good way. Meanwhile, after none of my friends getting married or getting serious, all of a sudden they are starting to and I couldn't be further from it. I am feeling left behind on the one hand and on the other, not interested in that stuff. I just got home and it's Christmas and I don't have a boyfriend and I don't have plans and I don't live with my parents and I can do whatever I want with my time. I love it. I love it. I love it. It never grows old. I am so happy to have that. I never have. But I would love to have someone to love. I would love to feel the weight of a man next to me in bed. And I don't mean that in a sex way. I would love to be at the point with someone when there is actual good sleep going on. I would love to feel beautiful in someone's eyes. Will I ever have that again. I can't imagine it. I go between feeling lonely and despondent and hopeless to having nights like tonight where the free night alone is so liberating. Which is it? Am I happy or am I lonely? Am I lucky or am I unlucky. I don't know. All I do know is that now that I have identified the reason for the shopping, it's time for it to stop. Anyway, were my lobster to actually exist, I am sure I would not meet him at a shoe store.