What I Am

My friend ML hates when people ask him how work is. He thinks that if you are actually his friend than you should be asking about something a little more substantive a little more personal, not about what he does all day; that's just his job, it isn't who he is. My sister takes ML's position a step further and considers it a deal-breaker when people either ask her what she does or how work is. Again, she does it all day, so when she's not there, she'd like some reprieve. Additionally, it doesn't define who she is, there are other layers and levels and colors to her besides her 9-5. Being a lawyer, I agree with them. There are so many ideas people have about you once you say you are a lawyer. And I don't want to be prejudged and categorized before you get to know me. I don't believe I fit in to any of the stereotypes about what or who a lawyer is. Anyway, in my 5 year career as a lawyer, only while I was at the criminal defense firm did I even remotely feel proud of what I was doing and feel comfortable fielding questions about why I did it and what if I knew the person was guilty and how can you visit people in prison and aren't you scared of your clients etc. Before and since I have used my expertise at deflection to dissuade others from asking me follow-up questions about what I do. I don't know what to say. And I don't want to be prejudged by something that I only do for the money and not for love. I can barely bear what I do for money so for that to be the first thing you find out about me would cause a tragic misunderstanding about who you think I am.


And now it is even worse. As I try to phase out of the law towards my true love, words, what do I say. How to answer the question in a clean and neat yet honest way. When people ask, "what do you do," or, "how is work," they don't want my spiel. They want a simple answer without any of the confusion, fear and passion inherent in mine. What will they think of me when I say I want to leave the law in favor of the written word. Will they think my decision is based upon 'failure' in the law? Will they think I am not 'tough' enough to handle a career as a lawyer, that I am too 'soft?' Will they blow me off as someone completely unrealistic or lazy or worse as some kind of dilettante for wanting to become an artist when I have the skills for a 'real' career? Do I even have to say that I was a lawyer or still practice while I wait for my ship to come in? It is an important question because I write every day and I am writing not only for pleasure but in hopes of it becoming what I do for money. Writing is what I do as much as practicing law, one has my heart and the other pays my bills.


A and I were just talking about this. We met these two cute doctor dudes at a party we went to last night I thought their being doctors came up naturally in conversation (refreshing for a change) and A thought they purposely threw it in. Either way, it got us to talking about how we hate being asked. We are both in career limbo and career limbo is hard to explain and makes for weird pauses and awkward conversation shifts. I said that I hate people who talk about their career to validate themselves and how I am much more interested in the real person behind the job. She accused me of being a sore loser and said that if I was doing what I loved, I'd want to talk about it and welcome the scrutiny and wouldn't mind if people defined me by it. I wonder if she's right. Is the answer that simple?


I don't think so. I have always characterized myself as three-dimensional. This was my constant refrain in law school, to the chagrin of my father when during my last semester of finals, I trained for a marathon. There are so many ingredients to me and one or the other may be dominant depending on my mood so to drum off a quick answer like, lawyer or writer seems to leave a lot of me out. And the recipient of the answer will undoubtedly fill in those blanks with whatever sum the stereotypes based on my physical appearance and my chosen answer make.

I object.

I don't want to be defined in a word. Isn't there another question we can ask each other when we meet or meet up? Isn't there something that won't take you back to the hell of your day at work once you are out meeting friends for happy hour or something that will present the real you when you meet someone new? I want someone's essence I want to know what makes them get up in the morning and I want to know their quirks. My sister tells this story about a dinner party she had at her house when she and her friends all realized that none knew what they others did for work; they had a vague idea, they knew eachother's industries but that's about it. I think that's great I'd rather know others and be known for the little things.

No one ever wants the job of waking up V in the morning. She's bitchy and rambles on in Portuguese. AC sleeps like a dead person, on her back, hair splayed out on the pillow and doesn't move the entire night BE doesn't like sharing cigarettes. My sister thinks pizza is a snack and hates hot drinks. S laughingly lowballs herself by characterizing her interests as reality tv and giving head. There a million of these I could go on. Next time someone asks me what I do I will tell them that I am on constant pursuit for the best chimichanga in New York, I hate short stories, I love long books, Kir Royales, root vegetables, and I am a non-snoozer.