(I Can't Get No) SATISFACTION

I had another dream about the Office Crush (OC) last night. Why Why Why Why. I don't understand it. There is nothing there. I am not just saying this to convince myself or you; it's actually true. It's a done deal. I have no feelings left. I actually saw him in September on S's birthday and if I had played my cards right I could have woken up on 11th street but I didn't. He was drunk and acting like all the other drunk guys I have known and woken up with on 11th street with my whole dating life.

In the dream I was leaving for a wedding in Paris and on was Roosevelt Island in the stationery store. I was with K. As I exited the store with my purchase, I ran into the OC. I just looked up and there he was, all flustered and disheveled like he is. I said hello and he left the store with me. K. hung back like she wasn't with me and let us talk. He said, "Briana, I've been thinking about you." I said, "why? Are you looking for some temp work?" He stammered, "no, I think about you a lot, about us." I didn't respond. Part of me wanted to blow off K and the wedding and run away with him to wherever he wanted to go to do whatever he wanted to do but there was too much water under the bridge for me to seriously consider that. I told him I had a wedding in Paris and needed to catch a flight. We walked down Main Street towards Motorgate Garage, K. in tow a few steps behind us and we were by Westview when he kissed me and told me he's been waiting to do that for over a year and regrets the way things went down between us. He implored me to call him when I got back so we could properly date. Then we went our separate ways. I told K, "Well, that's the OC for you." She said that she kinda figured that. And I woke up. It was 5:39 am and I was PISSED.

My only theory on why I may have had a dream like is all of the Briana's archives reading I've done. I have become so out of touch with the world of emotion that reading about how I felt about him is staggering to me. Clearly it infiltrated my subconscious.

I read about when I first started liking him, "My crush on the OC feels like walking on a tightrope. Yet as of Friday evening I felt like it was inevitable that our dance would start in earnest. I love someone that argues with me. I love someone that I can stand up to and listens to me and responds to me yet doesn't back down unless my words convince him. I love someone that calls me on my shit. I love someone that finds me fascinating and remembers what I say and thinks about it and analyzes it and tells me what he thinks it means. I love someone that isn't trying to fix me. And when they nag me about something it is something they are urging me to do for me instead of not to do for them. Big difference."

And how even after the whole email/rejection debacle, "I think about him like he is someone I could never get bored of. I don't believe we could ever run out of conversation or lose fascination for each other or stop having fun. I don't think I have ever had this with anyone. How could he not feel what I feel. I know I have been in many an unrequited love situation before. I was in love with Brooklyn forever before we got together. I stared at Staten Island across a crowded library for months. I thirsted for SA in high school and counted the seconds we saw each other which were never enough. I get that. But this feels reciprocated. It doesn't feel like it's in my head only. It feels like it's mutual. Why else would he always come up to me and spend his time with me and talk to me and stand next to me and not be able to get away from me. Why would he feel so responsible for us losing our stay request. Why would he offer me large binder clips before I tell him that I need them. There is something that we have that feels so rare and beautiful. I could grow old with him and never be bored. He's sweet and nice and generous without being a pushover. He is gracious and curious and honest and interested and interesting. He is grounded and tells me how it is. I can't even do this anymore. It's so depressing. I wish I didn't feel like this. I wish I could make it go away. It's bad for me. I don't want to allow myself to accept less than what I want or become satisfied with trying and not achieving. I have done all I can do there. There is nothing left to see there. There is nothing left to try. Come on. What was up with what he said today after spending an hour helping me out, "Don't worry, I'll figure out a way for you to pay me back..." Uh ... you could have had that ... What do you want? A paper clip? You want to use my stapler? So I will go to his housewarming and I will flirt with his friends but what else can I do besides move on. I hate closed doors. He's blinded and he will never find someone as good for him as I am."

And then after another false alarm, "I am back fighting the dam from breaking. I still like him. I have to admit it to myself. I do. I still like him. My safety measures may have kept me safe from hoping and planning and assuming but not safe from liking him. He is the same conscientious guy he was before. He is still interested. He is still interesting. He still gets me completely. He still remembers and hears everything I say. He is still laughs at my jokes. I still laugh at his. Even though I don't want to. I don't know what to do. Part of me; the romantic, unreasonable, unrealistic part, still thinks that it has to happen; that it is inevitable. How can we have this connection and it not mean anything? How? How? How? Unless he doesn't find me physically attractive. I guess that's possible. But I doubt it. I think he does. I don't know why but I just think he does. Not knowing anything about his type or his past or his preference I think he does. I think it would be obvious if I was physically repellent to him. And here I am fighting the dam from breaking. And every day I think it's going to break. I think he is going to say something that he hasn't said. I think he's going to do something that he hasn't done. When did it get so hard? Why did it get so hard? It should be so easy. It would be perfect. It would be amazing. I can't imagine him ever boring me. I can't imagine ever boring him. I can't imagine him ever not seeing me. I can't imagine him ever judging me. I can't imagine him ever telling me what to do. This is wild. I can't believe I am having these thoughts these horrible painful beautiful awful torturous thoughts. I am not used to suffering in silence. I am used to eating when I am hungry and sleeping when I am tired. I am not into deprivation. And yet here I am. Being deprived. He just walked by. I wish he'd stay away. And let me be free. I just want to be free of him. Be away from him or be near him all the time but not like this. Definitely not like this. My only silver lining is the knowledge that there are guys like him. If there is one, there are others. He's not the only one who will make me feel this way. He's just the first one. If I can peel my eyes off of him for one second maybe that will be true. I am proud of myself for actually not sliding into old bad behavior of wanting someone for the wrong reasons. Someone who needs me but doesn't want me because they don't even know me. And always rubbing up against that, making us both unhappy. With this guy we would have different problems. I don't know what they would be but I am sure that they would be a refreshing change from where I've been in the past."

I reread this again and I am in awe of those feelings, that powerful emotion. I articulated exactly how he made me feel and why I liked him and the sweet torment of being in his company. I liked someone for the right reasons whether or not I projected or misinterpreted who he actually is. There's a first for everything. Maybe it will happen again. Maybe I haven't been living in the moment without fear like I think I have. If I had no fear, wouldn't I have feelings for someone? Or do I not have feelings because there isn't anyone around me to have feelings for?

Let's just say I hope the OC is not a Briana's Blog devotee. I would be very embarassed right now. Anyway, as tortuous as all of that was, a little holiday crush on SOMEONE would be nice right around now.