It's My Life

So we were out dancing last night and I had a blast. I don't think I sat down for more than five minutes the whole night. I was sweating I danced so much but I didn't care. Every time I contemplated taking a break another song came on that I 'needed' to dance to. They were playing a lot of music from the 90's, my music. It felt like it wasn't V.'s 30th birthday and we were transported back to college. Flashbacks abounded of me and Brooklyn visiting V in Albany where she went to college and the crazy fun parties we went to there replete with beer specials, Biggie Smalls, smoking in bars, and always someone vomiting and or crying by the end of the night.

Yet, because it was her 30th birthday, last night was a mindful second chance to have that same experience. Last time I was at that bar, it was my brother's 22nd birthday. His girlfriend and all of her friends were dancing together just like me and my girlfriends were last night. Age is a hard thing to ascertain and I think we all looked about the same age but I could tell the difference in their demeanor, they were dancing like life was ahead of them. Their spirits were light and carefree. Let's be clear, I definitely don't feel like life is behind me but the 20's are hard and when you are 21, you don't realize how hard they are. Once you get them behind you, you are different. You are a mellower, stronger version of yourself. Some of your dominant qualities have been tempered, like ML's temper which I thankfully haven't seen in years. Some of your dreams have been forgotten. Some of your dreams have been realized. You have loved and lost. You are more aware of who you are and your likes and dislikes and where you want to be. And last night I wanted to be exactly where I was. Last night in its way was better than going out dancing when songs like 'Player's Anthem' by Junior Mafia actually came out.

Or different.

In 1995 I operated under the erroneous assumption that my future was ahead of me and it would work out and unfold exactly as it should, thinking that the college degree/law dregree was me doing my part and the rest would just come. I could just have fun mindlessly because I didn't have to worry. Now I know that's not true, but knowing we're all in this together and we're all still here for each other has made nights like last night more meaningful. These relationships, these people, are the important stuff and one of the ways I measure my success. I am more aware of how lucky I am to have them than I ever was. I am more aware of how much we are to each other. I didn't know anything of that back then. I guess I didn't need to know. Maybe it's boring to know how certain things have turned out. And maybe it's boring not to find my future as titillating as I used to because I now know that my future isn't just going to happen because I went to law school; it's up to me. I am driving the car. I chose which way we go. But it is miraculous and nourishing and enriching and priceless that these people are still in my life. And it's empowering that I have some control over which direction my life will take. And it's empowering to know which direction I want my life to take.

And me, I was sporting cleavage like I've never done before. I got a lot of compliments on it that shockingly didn't make me feel uncomfortable. At one point I was dancing with Bak and I kept having to direct his attention to my face. His response was, "that shirt attracts a lot of attention." Ummm okay. And you know what, for the first time ever, I owned that. I did not feel exploited. I didn't feel like the shirt was wearing me; I felt like I was wearing the shirt. I am confident enough in myself in our friendship to know that my cleavage is not how anyone sees me. They think I am smart. They think I am funny. And then I can wear a shirt like that and blow them away. And really, blow myself away because I never, ever had the guts before. Meanwhile, if that's one of my physical 'assets', why hide it.

So the night was a raging success. V. said that everyone she really wanted to see was there and that for the most part the no-shows were the people she didn't mind so much not attending. She exclaimed her surprise in how incredible her 30th birthday was. She had been bummed that she was planning it herself and felt like the planning should have been someone else's job. She talked about how she planned Fig's 30th birthday last year and had been anticipating him planning hers. But she realized somewhere between dinner and dancing how empowering it was to go to the restaurant and pick out exactly what she wanted for the prix-fixe and pick the place, pick both places, and how it isn't pathetic to do those things for yourself. It is cool because you get exactly what you want. I think last night was a turning point for her. I hope so. It was definitely a turning point for me; a turning point that I needed. I can go out. I can dance. I can stay out until the bar closes. Loftus was in the house and I drank a little bit.

The only bad part of the night was when Fig randomly showed up at the bar at 3:30am with some friends of his. He beelined right over to our party. It was surreal. He didn't know we were going to be there. At that moment V turned from the queen of the night into Cinderella. She crumbled. We all mobilised around her trying to figure out what our M.O. should be. Fig came over and tried to talk to all of us. A. told him to leave. We wondered if we should we just leave. The tone of the night changed and we went from crazy dancing mode, showing off old moves and making new ones, vibing off each other, taking hundreds of pictures to protecting V., making sure she was okay; similar to ML and A earlier in the night surrounding me with their body heat when went outside for a smoke knowing I have no immune system. We didn't take care of each other like this before. We never needed to. We were there purely for each others' pleasure. The night ended without any drama; with all of us hugging and kissing each other many times over making our cabs wait until we eventually got in them and went our separate ways. And today my 30-year old knees are killing me from all of that dancing. Worth it.