There Goes My Baby

D. got engaged yesterday. My first reaction was one of complete happiness and bliss. Almost as if it was happening to me. No one deserves this more than D. does. Love has definitely been a battlefield for her. One boy she was in love with was murdered. Another one who 'couldn't commit' was engaged within months after he and she parted ways. Another one made a living selling fake goods on Ebay. She just hasn't had much luck in the love department. She has a ton of great stories but she never had the long term relationships that most of the rest of us did. We always told D. it was going to happen like this for her. She was going to meet someone and it was going to be automatic, love at first sight, marriage, kids, the whole nine. They met at a wedding in July. They danced the night away and went out on their first and second and third date that week. In the beginning she expressed, "Of course I meet someone now when I finally decide I want to move back to New York and settle down in New York. Now what?" And I was like, "come on, it's been a month. No offense but, don't get ahead of yourself," completely dismissing her concerns and assuming their little affair would go nowhere. Turns out it isn't a little affair and now they are getting married. D.'s story makes me a believer again.

D's story also makes me miss her already. Everyone thinks maybe they rushed. They've only been dating for four months. But when you know, you know right? And as her boyfriend said, "when you realize who you want to spend the rest of your life with, you want the rest of your life to start right now." I can't argue with that logic. So I don't think they are rushing into anything. Anyway, they aren't getting married until January of 2008. They have plenty of time to get to know each other better and live together. D.'s engagement was only too fast for me. This is a shock to my system. I wish I could have eased into this new situation, this new dynamic, this new friendship more gradually. She's never had a serious boyfriend before so that was worthy of serious adjusting. And now this. People think it's so scandalous that they got engaged so fast. I say, who the hell cares. There is no timeline or formula guaranteeing that a marriage will work. Theirs has as much of a chance as anyone else's. I am scared I am going to lose my friend. I am afraid that everything is going to change between us once she leaves me here and ventures into holy matrimony which is another country with another language and customs I cannot comprehend. Will she still be my grinch friend when I need her to be? Will she still regale me with all of her funny, dating, 'love is a battlefield' stories when I need to hear them? Will my single life defined by compulsive shoe shopping, clothing shopping and restaurant dining suddenly seem frivolous to her when they will have serious concerns like buying a home and picking out china, or whatever it is that married people do?

The funny thing is, I always believed I was lucky in love. I was complaining to K recently about how I used to be so lucky in love and what the hell is going on now. She looked at me, eyebrows askance when I said that, referring to the fact that I have only been in dysfunctional relationships with alcoholics. She's right but when I look back, it appeared to always be raining men. That was an area I always excelled in. I always had a ton of options; sometimes I had so many good options I dated multiple people at the same time. My love life was like an all-you-can-eat buffet. There was always more. And I wanted to try everything. Now it doesn't feel like that anymore AT ALL. I am sure nothing has changed; I am just aware of reality and more aware of my abilities to tolerate certain situations and have become more fearful as a result of the 'worst case scenarios' that have actually happened to me. So I rule out people who in the past would have been contenders.

D. and I have traded places. As much as she was a romantic and a dreamer, she was also scared to ever put her real self out there and be vulnerable. She was a proponent of the preventative break-up when she had a bad feeling, and persistently ruled people out before trying them on. Meanwhile I was always confident, full-speed ahead, blowing caution to the wind and putting myself in a lot of stupid and sometimes dangerous situations. She took a chance on this guy and blew caution to the wind and opened herself up and gave her true self to someone for the first time. And he liked it and did the same for her to her. Simultaneously, I am finally learning that is one thing not to prejudge and to be open and another to ignore obvious bad signs, like someone who calls you obsessively accusing you of cheating on him whenever you don't answer your phone on the first ring, like Staten Island did or not giving me a pillow when I slept over at his house, like Brooklyn didn't.

Now D will be my married friend. She's already no longer a grinch. She's a staunch believer. She's left me in the dust. She said she owes it all to me and my advice over the years about, "what's the rush, just relax," and, "he's not going anywhere, no need to call him again," etc. And now here I am, shocked that I was once in a position to offer up advice that actually helped someone get engaged while feeling like I am losing my best friend. Like she's already gone, gone to the world of happy endings to a place where there will be a language barrier between us. She is gone from my world. But it couldn't have happened to a better, more deserving person. I was always the one with the boyfriends. She was always getting hurt. I was always in love and she was always alone. And now she's found her prince. And I am alone. And she is the friend whose phone I would be blowing up right now to confess these horrible feelings of loss mixed with these amazing feelings of happiness and faith in the world. But I can't. So I talked to my friend L.A. about this who plays an older brother role in my life. He said, "Babygirl, I've lost some of my closest friends because of marriage. But the good ones stick around through it. The others, good riddance." I guess that's the story. And I'm sticking to it. Anyway, I know D. is one of the good ones.