Don't Phunk With My Heart

Here I am again. In a funk. I am not depressed. I want to make that clear. I am not sad. I want to make that clear as well. Generally, I am neither. My habitual reactions to life's surprises are surprise, shock, bemusement, curiousity, frustration, wonder, excitement. And when I feel stuck, like now, I get into a funk which means I am frustrated. I feel like I am banging my head against a wall. I feel like there must be another way, an easier way, a more direct route and the answer is so obvious but I can't see it. It is driving me absolutely nuts. C wrote this to me today, " hang in there little chickadee - you (and me and all of us) are like rivers - just googled that - couldn't remember quite how the phrase went - it was 'ancient Greek philosopher Heraclitus' claim that you can never step in the same river twice'" Yet, I feel like I am and have been because I haven't found the path I should be on out of this moment. My life feels like Groundhog Day. I know I am stubborn, again to quote my father's worn out description of me, "you may be wrong but you are never in doubt," which aptly conveys my insistence on fighting losing battles and doing things my own way despite (or to spite?) what everyone else says. I never know it when I am doing it. So I don't know if I am doing it now. It is something I never realize until later. And sometimes it turns out that my blind persistence pays off. Something that everyone else thought was impossible wasn't. And it was my belief and perseverance that won it. But this is not one of those times.

I feel stuck because I feel like I am making no progress in my life. For the past three months my life has been comprised of the highs and lows of this illness and although I am in a very different place than I was in mid-August or all of September, I am still here waiting and wondering and trying to be patient but I feel like I can't move on with my life, whatever that means, until I know what my status is with this illness. Seriously, making the simplest plans scare me because I am not sure how I'm going to feel that day. JE and I are talking about doing something next weekend and it's making me panic just thinking about the weekend after Thanksgiving. It shouldn't but it does. That's just ridiculous.

I admit that I am impatient. Despite all of these life lessons; I can't seem to shake that one. And I thrive on progress and change and constant achievement and I am doing none of the above. I always have an excuse about why I can't do something these days. I was always a doer. I walked the walk. I didn't just talk the talk. Now I am afraid to talk because I don't know if I will be able to walk. I am standing in C's river. And time is passing but I'm still here. Today is different than yesterday and tomorrow will be different than today but it all falls under the same umbrella - limbo. My sister and brother keep advocating acceptance. But acceptance of what? And how is acceptance different than defeat or surrender? I do not accept that my health will always take center stage. There are so many other things I want to do with my life that I can't do while all of my attention is focused in one direction, how I feel. There is no balance in my life. Whenever I try to rise above and stop paying attention to it in favor of something else, it roars like a child jealous of its sibling's attention, coming at me with a vengeance, reminding me who's boss and where my focus should be. That's why I don't think I could have a boyfriend. That's why I am scared of this gig ending; I can come and go as I please - weekend, weekday; it doesn't matter. A full time job is absolutely out of the question and not only because I don't want one. I don't think I could handle one.

So basically, I want to prove my dad wrong and stop butting my head against the same wall. And I want to prove C. right. I don't want to step in the same river twice. I want to move on. I want to achieve completion and cross this experience out of my life. Health must go to the back burner so writing and yoga and friendship and love can all take center stage where they belong. I want a prosecco night with AC. Or a run in Central Park with Dallas or some Pacifico and late-night bantering at a bar with S. Or a boy with brown eyes to make me laugh.

I wonder how much of this funk that I am in today has to do with the fact that I am listening to an 8-hour CLE on Recent Updates in the CPLR while doing document review. That will make your brain scream for mercy and drive you to drink ...heavily.