The Name Game

(I wrote this in Mexico)

Shakespeare says a rose by another name wouldn't smell as sweet. I have never met anyone with the same name as me. Today on the spa board there was me, 'Briana', and there was also, 'Brianna,' her massage was for 3:30 and mine was for 1:30. I haven't met her yet and frankly, I am a little apprehensive about meeting her. I have never met another one. I am Briana. I am the only one.

I don't know how it is for people who have common names. I don't know what their relationship with their name is but for me it is as uniquely me as the sum of all of my other qualities. It is my right foot that is bigger than my left, my scarred left knee, the freckles on my lips and ears, my small hands and my birthday. Briana is my name and is the sum of all of my parts and personality and personal history.

Despite all of this, I am very quick to say that all of the Johns that I know are deep-down good guys but they all protect that quality under several layers of humor, temper and teasing. Every Andy I have ever met is super hot, but not the ones that go by Andrew. I've never known an Eric who didn't walk a little bit on the wild side so much that I always made sure to never be tangled up with one. I am a fan of Nicks. They are all sexy and never fail to amuse with their quirky senses of humor. Every girl I know who has dated a Jason has come out the other side a little bit different; they are not the best boyfriends.

But what to say about a Briana? I like being the only one. It took me awhile to like it and even longer to own it. As a kid I could never find anything with my name on it. Not a keychain, not a mini-license plate, or a sticker; nothing. I considered getting Brian paraphernalia and adding an 'a' but that never felt right.
Briana means 'strong one.' And since being strong is my only option right now it is very fitting for me that my name means 'strong one.' Being strong in the big picture is very daunting but when I break it down into bite-sized pieces I can do it.

I have no idea how I made it here from August. I have no idea how I made it out of bed and to the interview for this job. People think of ulcerative colitis as a bad case of the runs but that's a on a good day. The day of the interview I could barely get dressed. I couldn't shower. It was difficult to stand up. I could only wear this sleeveless black jersey dress that I had been wearing every other time I left the house that week because it was so loose and didn't grab me anywhere. See, my entire body ached. And me who so scorns women who change out of their heels into sneakers when they leave the office wore flip-flops all the way to midtown and surreptitiously changed shoes behind a tree in front of the office building and hoped that I wasn't expected to be wearing a suit for the interview.

Incidentally, on the Friday that was my first day of work I was wearing the exact same dress except maybe with a cardigan instead of a blazer. That was a day where being strong took every breath, every word, every heartbeat, every thought; but that was a day where I had no other option. It was my first day of work and I badly needed the gig. After I left work that Friday I almost ended up in the emergency room but V, physician assistant/guardian angel brought the emergency room to my house instead.

But how the hell did I do it. Knowing it was a Friday and I didn't need to make it through an entire week helped. Maybe it's from running all of those damn marathons where your mental is paramount. Anyway, I am giving myself credit and patting myself on the back but there are people a hell of a lot stronger and more focused than I am. Especially with the knowledge of how scared I am, scared because from under this palm tree, in this hammock, I can see the big picture.

This reprieve from my facade and my life has been so restorative. Physically and socially I have almost felt like Briana while here. Complete strangers have eased me out of who I've been and made me laugh so hard my body has ached in a good way. I have allowed myself precious time to relax and fall asleep in the sun and do nothing. I have ran. I have been given and given myself many gifts this week and I don't want to go back to the malaise and fear and mania that characterized where I was when I left. I need to bring this progress with me home. That is my challenge. That is my intention upon returning. Despite how complicated and busy life is and how easy it is to fall victim to focusing on where I have to be, who I have to meet, making sure I get to the gym; if I stay attuned to my inner anchor, all should be okay. But I'm scared.

As it turned out, there wasn't a Brianna, so I took her massage. She must have been my vacation alter-ego. She gave me a break from my life and the chance to restore my strength so I could come back home rested and ready to muscle up and be Briana again - strong.