I Wonder If I Take You Home

I hate to indulge in this toxic subject. It usually isn't something that I think about or fester over but I am finding myself unable to resist today. V's boyfriend broke up with her. It was nice to witness a relationship that seemed so good from the outside. I plan on being in one eventually so seeing happy couples allows me the luxury to sit back and not worry about about that area of my life. If others have it, it will surely happen for me when the time is right. This break-up shatters my vision for my future. I am scared this is an epidemic, going the distance with someone and then ending it abrubptly without warning. The more happy couples I see around me, the more I believe that I will be in one when I am ready. And now another one has bitten the dust.

This break-up begs a million questions that I hate indulging. Illinois broke up with me and then GG broke up with A and now Fig broke up with V. What's wrong with us? When I asked A she said that nothing's wrong with us, she said that we're "fabulous," but I'm starting to wonder. When it was just me in my isolated situation it was one thing. Now it seems epidemic. Now it seems like us Roosevelt Island girls are defective in some way. V said it's because we don't take shit. We don't settle. But those guys left us; we didn't leave them. I believe I inevitably would have left Illinois but I didn't get the chance to. V says that she has been having doubts about Fig all summer but the bottom line is he sat her down last night after being together for 3 years and living together for two and broke up with her just like that without any previous talks about issues he had in their relationship.

Or is this natural selection combatting overpopulation; will we never get married and have children? What does the future hold for us? I thought Brooklyn was my starter relationship and the next big one would be it and it wasn't. And A and V had their equivalents of Brooklyn and then the next big one and here we all are alone again. Is it us or is it them?

I have no beef about being alone. I like being alone. This time I've had alone has been the most important journey I've ever made. It isn't like I am going to devote my book about it to Illinois even though I do have him to 'thank' for it. It sucks that he wasn't and couldn't be the guy that I needed and deserved; my life would have been just fine and dandy without me learning these painful but empowering lessons. Instead I was forced on this journey. And all of that was good and well and then A got broken up with. At that point I was far enough on my journey away from Illinois and towards myself and could really be there for my broken hearted friend. I hated GG for hurting her. And now I am even more angry. Just because my journey has been incredible it's been so hard so hard so hard that I wouldn't wish it upon anyone, let alone my best friends. No matter how much I've learned about myself and how fullfilling my life is right now no matter how much I treasure my time alone and my freedom and my ability to disappear without needing to tell anyone; it was so fucking hard most of the time. I had to learn new skills and find new ways to make myself happy and create beauty out of ugliness. Hard work.

Are these guys stupid and cowardly and selfish? I wonder what they expect for their futures. Why did they invest the time in us? Is it us or is it them? I want answers. V doesn't deserve this. Does Fig think he's going to find someone better? Is it ever really about someone else? Illinois did get married a mere 9 months after we broke up. But we didn't break up for someone else. He just wanted an easier situation. Maybe V is right. Maybe it is because we don't take shit. But are we unwilling to compromise? Are we too demanding and rigid? I can't speak for them but I lost myself and my hopes and dreams and goals in my relationship with Illinois because I devoted so much of myself to him and us but at the same time I wanted more than Illinois could give me and he wanted the status quo. He didn't understand how it was a problem for him to bartend two days a week while I worked like an animal and was pregnant. And then after I miscarried I think he was destroyed and didn't want to deal with the reality and hardship that life sometimes brings. In Illinois' defense (there's a first time for everything!), he had a shitty childhood. And to think about it, GG and Fig also didn't have the idyllic childhoods that we had on Roosevelt Island. Could that explain their inability to fight or love or be vulnerable or share or give or compromise the way we were able to? Ugh. I hate this subject.

It's scary that someone can place a ring on your finger and tell they love you and that you're the one and then change their mind. And the fact that this disease is spreading scares me. How do you know when you can exhale and have faith and believe in the future? I had gotten over those feelings and started to believe again and this break-up has jettisoned me right back there. Is it us or is it them? Is it natural selection or am I just creating something out of nothing. Maybe it's all just coincidence. Maybe we're lucky we have each other to walk us through to the other side and I should be greatful for that. And grateful that A and I understand where V is so we can give her what she needs and the three of us can journey together to the happily ever after of our friendship.