I Dug Up a Diamond

I have a surrogate older brother and sister. They are the same age, they are both six years older than me. I met them at the large law firm I used to work at. They both still work there. They taught me valuable lessons and were there for me when I needed it the most. I have never been close to anyone older than me before so as we became close around the same time that Illinois and I broke up it was natural for me to lean on them in a different way than I might lean on a peer my own age and natural for their advice to hold more value to me. They taught me that it was okay to be alone and smart to hold out for something really good rather than killing time with someone substandard. It's one thing to think you know that, which I did, and it's another to really hear it, really learn it from people you look up to and trust like I look up to and trust them.

L.A. is the older brother I never had. He and I worked together very closely when I worked at this large law firm downtown. We spent hours together and argued and teased each other relentlessly but it never got ugly. We were always cool. When Illinois and I broke up he gave me a mantra that stuck with me, "when someone shows you who they are, believe them." I needed a mantra. And that one fit. Suddenly the boy who knew the moment he met me that we were going to be together forever didn't want me anymore and decided this after we lost our babies. Illinois really showed me who he was. And L.A. let me talk and talk and talk. He gave me advice but never pushed it on me. He implored me to change my number because Illinois kept calling and calling. I would sheepishly show L.A. all the missed calls from Illinois on my phone and he'd tell me again to change my number. But he understood that I wasn't ready to sever all ties and that I liked that Illinois was still calling me, even though it fucked me up every time he did call. And then he let me talk and talk and talk more. There was never anything that I didn't feel comfortable asking him or telling him. Our connection was instantaneous and even now that he's moved back to L.A., I can email him out of the blue about D getting engaged after we haven't spoken for a month or so and he responds immediately and we email all day about it. He tells it to me straight with no chaser but makes it clear that I will be fine. I trust him because he's fine. He's 6 years older than me and he has 6 years more experience than me.

C is the older sister that I never had. The reason I describe her like that instead of as a friend is that she acts like an older sister. It's an important nuance, the difference between family and friends. The way I listen to my sister or brother's travails objectively and patiently instead of letting my personal filter infiltrate is the way C listens to me. She listens in a giving way that makes me feel safe; like I know she will have an answer and she always does. She listens dispassionately but doesn't miss a detail and responds in kind. I can be freaking out beyond belief and it doesn't phase her. She doesn't put me down but she does disagree with me. She calmly gives me great advice and when I tell her that she is so wise and how can she be so right she humbly explains that she doesn't live that way and she would freak out or did freak out about that same thing but she knows what's right and can therefore share the wisdom with me. She reads all my blogs and comments extensively on them replete with what she likes, what she disagrees with, what song I should listen to and, "Oh that's why I haven't heard from you lately." She never takes me personally. That alone gives me all the room in the world to be me and say or do anything and feel completely comfortable and safe.

I was apprehensive about going to Mexico but I knew with C I would be safe. Not that any of my other friends would ditch me if I was sick or not take care of me if I relapsed but I knew she would stay level headed and know what to do. I don't even know what I mean by that but I felt so safe and reassured knowing she was the one coming with me.

When Illinois and I broke up C and I were working at the same firm. I was on the 36th floor and she was on C-2, the floor below the basement. I was working my ass off on a big case and mostly stayed on 36 with L.A . and our two other office mates and she spent most of her time on C-2. I emailed her kind of on a whim, I didn't know what to do with myself; I didn't even know if we were officially broken up yet. I don't remember if I had yet told the three people I shared the office with on 36. She told me to come downstairs immediately. I did. I told her what happened. She was honest with me. It was so refreshing. She didn't tell me it was going to work out between Illinois and I. She didn't tell me I would be fine. She didn't say, "fuck him, I never liked him anyway." She told me it was going to be hard. She said that time was the only healer. I told her I needed to go home and she told me not to waste a sick day on Illinois. She said I should sit at work and just not do anything, that my colleagues would pick up the slack and that if I went home, I would feel worse. I heeded her advice and she was right. My three office-mates completely covered for me and let me stare aimlessly at my computer screen for two weeks.

And she gave me the gift of hair. She booked me two appointments at Frederik Fekkai, one for a cut and one for color. She did the research on who I should go to. She and I have different hair and she made sure for the cut I was seeing someone who cut a lot of wavy, thick hair. I didn't know she was paying until I left the salon and even the tip was taken care of. I felt like I had a fairy-godmother. She made me feel taken care of when I needed it the most. She is generous to a fault with me. In fact they both are, in a way that siblings are and friends aren't.

In the short time I have known L.A. and C.; four years for C. and three for L.A., they have shaped me, I have allowed them to shape me, I have listened to them and learned from them. I only hope I am as good of an older sister to my younger brother and sister as L.A. and C. are to me. But it's a two way street, they need to use me and exploit me for all I've got. I often don't think they realize what they have in me; that although I've been the one with all the drama in my life the past two years that it has made me more invaluable to them; it has made me stronger, smarter, quicker to action, slower to stress out and less willing to let anything beat me. They need to know that I am always available, will always listen, will always be on their side, will always be generous with my time and money, will always indulge them, will always be honest and most of all that they are always safe with me.