Ballin'

I guess I will slow down and or grow up when I have to. Some of my peers have no choice, they are married and or have kids and have mortgages and responsibilities I don't have. There is no need for me to restrict myself until I have a good reason to, something to take the place of the living I've been doing. Something that makes it worth my while to stop being 19 and start being 30; my newborn baby's first smile, the sight of my husband lying next to me.

I spent from August through November living a joyless, spartan, rigid lifestyle that not only was scary and awful but just wasn't me. I hate a routine. I hate a regiment. I hate a gazillion rules. I hate feeling powerless. I hate being scared. But there were all those factors that necessitated that lifestyle. But now I have my health (fingers crossed) practically on auto-pilot or cruise control, if you will; so I see no reason not to live in color again. I am ready for broad brush strokes of vibrant color across a huge canvas as opposed to the painstaking precision in pencil I was mandated to work with before. The sky is once again the limit. I don't know what the future holds but once again, the optimist is back; I just have a good feeling. And I never question those.

Lately, the month of December to be exact, I have been dabbling in all of the excesses of my youth the excesses I am prone to, the excesses that cause me to lose control go way off the deep end; the excesses that get me in all kinds of trouble. I usually end up indulging in this stuff as an escape. Maybe denial over what's going on in my life and how I feel about it or rebellion or resentment towards choices I made or my lifestyle or who I wish I was. Frustration, anger, disappointment, what have you. I spent the majority of 2005 partying like I did in college. Crazy late nights, adventures, ending up at late-night parties with people I didn't know, having late night conversations with people whose names I couldn't remember the next day and never saw again. In 2005 I was doing it because my heart was broken. I was acting out. I was going out. I was freaking out. I was faking it. I was hiding it. I was submerging it. I wasn't having fun. I spent a lot of money, had a lot of hangovers, didn't get enough sleep and gained nothing except weight. It was purely negative and self-destructive. Now, as much as I have all of these vices back in full force, for the first time ever I am actually enjoying them. They are not negative anymore. They are me celebrating my ability to live big again.

The food. When I can eat, it's marvelous. Yesterday I had a burger and fries and then bought mint oreos, ate as many as I could stuff in my face and once I was nauseated, threw the rest out. I loved every bite, ever lick of the mint creme, every fry double dipped in mayo and ketchup. It was outstanding, amazing perfection. It was exactly what I wanted. I used to eat my feelings, like the old fat girl cliche. I don't know how much enjoyment I got out of it but it was a way of coping and then I felt extreme guilt and self-loathing afterwards. Now I don't. I think part of it is because I am so grateful now. My point of view has changed. I am not obsessed with my body or my weight or my appearance and I am obsessed with my happiness. So if it feels good I do it. And it doesn't feel good when done every day in excess. So I don't worry about it anymore; I trust myself to know that I won't do it every day so there is no reason for me to freak out about it. I savor it and then go back to my normal eating habits.

The drinking. It's started up again. I know I am not supposed to drink. But feeling good makes me feel like my old self and my old self could and did drink. I don't think it's bad to do once in a while the way I've been doing it. It also has a very different effect now. I haven't quite mastered it. It's like starting over which is a lot of fun. Anyway, like the food, it isn't something that I can always do so when the moment's right, why not.

The late nights. Fantastic. New Year's Eve I got home at 10:00am. There were some extenuating circumstances involved and I imbibed a little more than I should have and a little of what I shouldn't have but it was New Year's Eve and it was nice to give myself over to the spirit of the night. At one point ML and I were discussing getting married on a glacier in Canada and the Inuit names we would give our children and whether or not we would procure our children the old fashioned way or adopt, because you know, we are old friends who don't fool around. Yikes. We decided if we were going to be married, we may as well have sex but that we'd wait until after the wedding. Farf decided we needed a lot of ice sculptures to adorn the ceremony and some ice fishing would somehow be involved.

The end of the night had A and I in 'the red room' (not sure why we were calling it that) with two guys that we've never hung out with before but known forever and ever. The randomness of surrender to the night is something I've missed, knowing and trusting myself to let go is something I've missed. Not being scared of the consequences of a break in my routine is something I've missed. Now I can enjoy these nights because of the wonderful, fun surprises they bring. We had a party in 'the red room' after the New Year's party yet at the New Year's party. I used to surrender because I didn't want to go home because I didn't want to deal or face because why not have an adventure so I can tell my crazy story tomorrow. But it was also something I hated myself for the next day. The next day I'd be too hungover to work out and end up eating a lot and not being at all productive. Now surrender has a different texture. It's about taking chances and discerning choices and seeing opportunities and being open to new directions and reveling in the unexpectedness of having a lot of fun with these two guys we've known forever but never hung out with before. And again, I only do it when it feels worth it; I say no when I want to go home and stay out when I want to stay out. New Year's Eve it was definitely worth it.

Bad habits and old defense or escape mechanisms can also be used for good. It's liberating to do and give yourself exactly what you want. When you do that, you realize that you aren't as bad as you think you are. Maybe you don't take the ball and run with it like you feared you would. Instead, you learn to seize the fun moments and bag the ones you think won't be worth it and go home and go to bed instead. I just have to watch myself. When I see myself going to the dark side, all of the aforestated vices will have to go the way of the shopping. I know when I am out of my league.