21 Questions

I don't know how to do this girl boy thing. I don't know if I used to know how to do it and I lost my touch or the climate has changed or what I want has changed or my moves have changed or I've gotten pickier or what but something has changed and I am so out of loop it isn't funny. Everything I say is wrong. Everything they say is wrong, when they say anything. It usually doesn't get to that point. Usually I don't see anyone remotely interesting that I would want to talk to. Obviously that is based solely on looks and everything they may or may not accurately connote. I rarely get approached. And when I say rarely, I mean rarely. AC tells me I am blind to the people that actually like me and actually do make an effort, that they actually exist. Twinkle always remarks on how many looks I get when we walk down the street together. Obviously something gets lost in my non-verbal communication that ensures that no verbal communication is ever attempted.

Thinking about what I may or may not be doing wrong takes away from me thinking about what I want from them or how I feel about them. Or, on the other hand, when I do focus on my intentions and try to make them clear to the other party, they always get lost in the translation from girl talk to boy talk. Meanwhile my intention is to get to know the person better so I can ascertain whether or not I like them. Once I make that determination, any other intentions regarding a desire of a future with the person may or may not manifest themselves.

When there is verbal communication from them it is most unsatisfying. I am talking about the boys of the last two years. I have been clueless with all of them. I don't know if they like me. I don't know what they want from me. I don't know anything. Why is this? Are there signals that everyone can read but me? Am I blind? Seriously. Am I? Or am I deaf? I don't want to play games. But when you don't play games and you respond immediately to their e-mail or say yes too eagerly to their invitation they think you're desperate. When you sleep with them too eagerly or too fast, they think you probably do that all the time and they don't mean anything and it isn't an isolated incident and something you do with everyone (meanwhile I can't state enough how much of 2006 I spent not having sex. Sad but true).

All I can do is be honest about what I want. I want to hang out again. I want to have sex again. Anything relationship I want to take slow. I want you to take me out to dinner. I want you to make the first move. I want to know you actually like me. I want to know why you like me. In the past two years I have known none of that. I have had to interpret and manipulate situations so I could stand to stay in them. Like 31 for example. What the fuck was that? I still don't know. Did he get scared? Did he decide he didn't like me? Did he not know how to mix sex and friendship? I never said I wanted 'more' or what I wanted but he ran anyway, making any decisions I might make moot. Even the other night when we actually saw each other for the first time since August he didn't give me a reason for his disappearance except to say, "don't worry, I kept up with you," by which I presume by reading this blog, and, "I do that sometimes." You do? I have known you since I was 21 years old and you've never disappeared on me. Is it because we tainted our chaste friendship with sex. Why should that change anything about how we deal with each other? And if he wants it to change how we deal with each other, couldn't he have just told me how he wanted things to change? I like a good head-up when it comes to things like that. Illinois always told me that 31 crushed on me. Guess not. If he did, I doubt he would have blatantly avoided me and risked never being my friend again. Again, this girl boy thing has become a mystery. So many sitcoms have men expounding upon the intricacies and hypocrosy of women's wants and needs but I think it's men who are the weird ones. Tell me what you want. Then we can both know. Maybe it will turn out that we want the exact same thing. If we don't, is that yet another reason I should know what you want?