Roads

Mrs. Illinois emailed me. It was a very articulate, gracious, graceful, respectful email. Despite still being in shock, I am intrigued and I want more information. Why did she do it? Why did she reach out to me? Yes my blogs are good but are they so great that she was compelled to say something? I don't think so.

And how does she feel about the ones that include her husband. It's hard for me to get my head around how I would feel if I were her reading about my partner's ex-girlfriend's experiences with him, especially our experiences which were a little above and beyond the usual. I don't know if it would leave me with more questions than answers. Not that there is anything for her to be insecure about. I know she knows that. We never overlapped and Illinois is a straight-up guy; not a cheater and he has no restraint when honesty is concerned so if she feels comfortable in her relationship which she clearly does, it is for real. So why'd she email me? What other reasons could there be?

I have been wracking my brain ever since. A guy I work with said it's to stake her claim and send out the message to me that my blogs about him don't phase her and that maybe there's more than I know to the situation; maybe she was seeing him when he was still seeing me. I don't buy that analysis. My blogs aren't offensive toward her or towards him for that matter. Yes I state what happened between us. Yes I state how I feel about it. But then I step back and I get objective about him, about us, about where we would have ended up, that I harbor no ill feelings toward him, that I am happy that he found happiness, that he deserves it. And she is responsible for his happiness so by association, I am grateful to her for providing him with what I was unable to.

My sister thinks maybe she is having similar problems that he and I had and wants to commisserate or wants more information from me. Maybe. I don't know. Her email to me was unapologetically strong. So that doesn't feel right either. BE was shocked and appalled and didn't know whether she was rubbing in the fact that she 'got' him. BE wondered how Mrs. Illinois found me and whether or not Illinois was told about the email. I am sure he was. But I can't imagine him telling her about my blog and I am unclear as to how he found out about it also. Maybe she alerted him to it? BE said that it's one thing to be curious about your mate's ex and another thing entirely to contact them without telling your mate that it's a violation of your partner's privacy to dig into their past. I don't think that's what Mrs. Illinois is doing. I bet she's as much of a straight up gal as he is a straight up guy and that she did tell him. BE then suggested that maybe she thought there was some sort of a tracking device on myspace and I knew she was reading. If there is such a device I don't know about it. I did not know she was reading. Anyway, my blog is out there to be read. By her, by him, by whoever's interested - the more the merrier.

I responded to her email eagerly and immediately but have yet to hear anything. I hope she responds. I have so many questions for her. I love that she finds my blogs, "extremely moving and beautiful, amusing and entertaining." I am touched and flattered. I am touched and flattered when anyone loves my work but even more so with her. The courage it took her to write me speaks volumes about her courage and who she is. And the point of view she must be reading from is completely unique and so intriguing to me. She has appeared as a character but in such a peripheral way that she was more of a one-dimensional symbolic presence than a true person. And now she is three-dimensional. She speaks. I am so curious about what her point of view actually is and what resonated with her enough for her to reach out to me.

This also brings me back to an old issue about who my readers are and whether I am writing with an audience in mind. If I thought of my readers while I was reading I would be paralyzed; I couldn't be honest, I couldn't be ugly or messy or real. If I used the blog as a means to passive-aggressively communicate with people my blogs would be disingenuous. I would be unable to fully express myself because I would be writing to someone and would be limited in my scope. At this point in time, I am no longer embarassed. I no longer hope and pray that the OC isn't reading. I hope he is. I hope everyone is or isn't. I don't care anymore. But Mrs. Illinois really threw me for a loop. Talk about your characters becoming real people. My first impression of her was the day after they got married when Illinois came over to my house and told me they got married. He told me she was 25 and very polite and that I would like her. That seemed like an odd description of your wife the day after you get married but it's Illinois we're talking about here. My next impression of her was at the bar. She was personable and friendly and kept refilling my glass. Ain't nothing wrong with that. She did name drop him constantly but that may be because she knew who I was and maybe wanted me to know who she was or felt a little territorial knowing I was there? I don't know. I don't know her. But her email to me was so amazing and so courageous that my picture of her is becoming clearer. I like her. And for a day when I didn't think I had much to say or think about, she gave me a gift simply by emailing me.