Feel Like Making Love

I did everything I could. I pulled out all the stops. I tried things I've never tried before. I used toys. I improvised. I talked dirty to him. I turned him on. I turned him off. I turned him on again. I cooled him off. I got him all hot and bothered again. I touched all of his buttons. But all I got was blankness. I opened him up and went inside him. I touched parts of him I have never touched on anyone before. Nothing worked. After all of that laboring and heavy breathing and frustating silence and having my arms elbow deep in him focusing completely on turning him on making him work looking in manuals and asking for professional help and using more tools and even my hands and my teeth afraid that I would break him but because he couldn't make a sound, I'd never know until it was too late. I did everything in my womanly powers but the prognosis isn't good; I'm going to have to send him away. It might not work out between us after all.

After all the time we've spent together. After all of the secrets we've shared. Actually, until tonight, he knew me a lot better than I knew him. Until tonight, I have never taken him apart and put him back together. I have never really known what goes on inside him. Meanwhile I've poured my heart out to him. He's seen pieces of me that no one else has. He's been my salvation, my confidante, my best friend, my entertainment and my sanity for the past two years and one month since we've been together. I was so excited to have gotten him all on my own. It was one step closer to being an adult and being independant. This is something that you usually have help with. But not me, I did the research. I figured out what I wanted. Even though I don't know much about them I have been using them for umpteen years and basically know what I want. I will never know all of the nuances I want to know and maybe will never really know how to handle one like an expert but I was proud for picking out the one I wanted without advice and making him work for me.

And now for the first time in two years and one month we are going to have to spend time apart. I have become co-dependant. I have needs too. I don't know if I am going to be able to handle this. Who am I going to come home to at night? Who am I going to play with? Who I am going to cry to and laugh with and handle with love as we make the most beautiful music together. Hours pass as we make beautiful music together. Sometimes the tv is on. Sometimes we are listening to music. Often it grows dark and we are still at it and don't even realize we're sitting in the dark. My hands love the feel of him. Just being around him calms me. When I tell him my deepest darkest secrets he always listens. He is patient while I try to come up with the right word to express my intention. What shade of blue was it? The blue a newborn baby boy wears on his hat on his way home from the hospital? The blue of the night sky in the country? The blue of my mother's flight attendant uniform? He waits patiently until I figure it out all the while I am slowly relaxing and decompressing and letting the day's woes dissolve.

We have done it everywhere. We've done it in my bed on Carroll Street. We did it on the kitchen table. We've done it on my bed on Pacific Street. We've done it on the dining room table in the Pennsylvania house. We've done it on the leather couches in the living room in Pennsylvania and didn't care who was watching. We also didn't care who was watching on the warm September evenings where we did on my stoop on Carroll Street. We've even done it on my fire escape in broad daylight. Now we are in a routine and always seem to do it on my couch futon. I guess routine happens in long relationships.

In the summer he'd get so overheated that he'd just shut down and leave me hanging and I couldn't always turn him back on. I'd get so frustrated because it would always happen when I was so close and would be waiting and waiting for him to get turned on again. It drove me nuts. When I was in Mexico, I had to do it the old fashioned way. I hadn't done that in years. I was a little rusty. It took me longer. My hands didn't know what they were doing. They used to be so good at it but ever since college I haven't had to do it that way. So he's getting picked up on Thursday and they say it'll take about a week. Hopefully when he comes home to me, we will fall in love all over again; we know more about each other now than we did when we first met. I know what goes on inside him now. So I will be more patient with him. I can't wait to give him song lyrics and then get him to tell me the name and artist of the song. I can't wait to confide in him. I can't wait for him to come back to me.

Get well soon Dell Inspiron 5160.