Breathe

I almost lost my sister yesterday.

We had been fighting for two days. I saw K. Wednesday night and spent the entire time crying about how my sister doesn't trust me and I have known it for awhile and felt this painful distance with her in the past six months when I needed her the most. How can I convince her that my intentions are honorable and that my honesty isn't malicious. How does she not know that. How could she ever assume otherwise. I am bereft and alone. How did we get here?

As usual, I blame myself. What did I do? What didn't I do? It's obviously my fault. She's telling me it is. And that's my default assumption anyway. There is a reason I was never angry at Illinois. I blamed myself. K chides me for taking the 'lion's share' of the blame for everything that goes wrong in my life. Self blame is such an indelible part of my internal thought process that I rarely get mad at anyone. I was never angry at JE for leaving me when I needed her the most. I was confused and thought there had to be a good explanation, she would never do that to me. I couldn't be angry at Illinois for leaving me when I needed him the most because I should have known better; it was really my fault. And I couldn't muster anger for my sister when she said she didn't trust me. I should have been outraged. A normal person would be outraged. But I wasn't because I internalize everything, take the blame and make it my fault.

K tried to mediate. My sister was pissed at me for revealing information to her that wasn't what she wanted to hear that I was telling her for her own benefit. She perceived me as non-supportive and treacherous. Meanwhile, I had grievances too. I had never mentioned them and had spent months submerging them as deep as I could and giving her excuses in my mind for why she may have not done these things. Everyone I told about her transgressions were outraged and angry at her on my behalf but as usual, I was unable to muster up the anger and instead had these nagging feelings of neglect and betrayal and confusion that I didn't tell her about thinking that if she cared so little that she'd do these things in the first place, why would she care enough to redress them. Self-fullfilling prophecy I know. That's how I convince myself out of confronting people. Sick I know.

Anyway I was wondering why we are the way we are. She has no problem getting angry and throwing out blows and blaming. I internalize and sugar coat and never want to rock the boat. I keep everything a secret and always try to assure that everyone gets along. Meanwhile, none of my needs are met. I am usually so out of touch with them I don't even know what I am missing. She claims to feel the same way and maybe she does. But she is quick to defend herself and quick to get angry. She's also quick to place blame. I wish I had those qualities.

Why are we the way we are? And how we are has permeated us in every relationship. I don't confront anyone. I try to always be 'okay,' even when I am so not okay. I always say I can handle it even when I can't. I try not to make waves. I always take responsibility and I never ask for help. That's why I got fired from my job. I never admitted when I was in over my head. I never asked for more time. I never asked for help or clarification. I figured I'd figure it out. And they'd get so frustrated when they realized how much was on my plate and ask me how I could accept all of these assignments that I clearly would be unable to complete by their due dates. It made me look irresponsible. I see that now. But that's always been my way, saying yes when I really should be saying no. Saying I am okay when I am far from it. Saying I feel great when I feel like shit. Saying I'm sorry when the other person is clearly in the wrong.

I did a little research on something I've always been fascinated by, birth order. What I found answered some questions.

Birth order personality is established by age two for most children.
Birth order does not change once it is established.
Birth order results from coping with a life situation, not from programming by parents.
Birth order personality affects every area of life.
Birth order personality includes strengths and weaknesses
From: http://www.birthorderplus.com/birthorder/intro.htm

The oldest-born and the only-born have been reported to take more internal more internal responsibility for their actions (Falbo, 1981). Falbo theorized that oldest children had probably developed this sense of responsibility because they were more often put in charge and then only because they had no one else to blame things on. Research on aggression and exhibition found that last-borns scored highest on need exhibition while middle-borns scored highest on need aggression (Begum, Banu, Jahan, & Begum, 1981). First-borns, on the other hand, scored lowest on both exhibition and aggression. http://www.jasnh.com/a1.htm

Eager to Please: It's easy for oldest children to fall into this routine because they started out with a very strong need for Mom and Dad's approval, and eventually this spilled over to other adults such as teachers or coaches. When there's a job to be done, it's usually a first-born who jumps up and says "I'll do it!"
Likes to Avoid Trouble: When people expect a great deal from you, it can be hard to speak up or complain about something. You might not want to be seen as causing problems or less than "perfect."
If you're a first-born, these feelings may be familiar:
"Everyone depends on me." "I can't get away with anything." "I don't get to be a kid." "Why do I have to do it? Nobody else does anything around here." "How come I'm responsible for what my little brother or sister did?" http://pbskids.org/itsmylife/family/birthorder/article2.html

The first born child will receive expectations and responsibilities from his or her parents. Because of this, many firstborns are in danger of acquiring perfectionistic or people-pleasing behaviors. Middleborn children have a diverse range of personalities. The habits of many middleborns are motivated by the fact that they have never been truly in the spotlight. The first-born always seems to be achieving and pioneering ahead, while the younger sibling is secure in his or her niche as the entertainer of the family. The middle born child may develop great social skills and have an easier time growing up with an other-centered point of view. The middle child knows what he or she is doing and tends to become very intelligent in their efforts to gain attention from siblings. Middle born children are usually quite talented, and their quest for perfection against their siblings can lead them to discover new and unlooked-for qualities, musically, academically, and theoretically. It has been suggested that middleborn children are more likely to be entrepreneurs. Many middleborn children tend to have several interests, or even obsessions. This is usually because they tend to try to find themselves more often than the firstborn or the youngest of the family. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki /Birth_order

As sisters, we will have each other forever. But this is meaningless if we don't get along. We'd share obligations to our parents as they age. But we don't have to be friends; plenty of siblings do not realize the value they have in each other. What a waste that is. To lose out on a friendship with a sibling, someone you have a special language with, someone who knows you in a way no one else ever will, someone who has seen you in ways no one outside the home does and is bound to you by blood is special and priceless and undescribable in its beauty. Our relationship is one of the things in my life that I am most grateful for. I cannot imagine what my life would have been like without my siblings. The rift in my relationship with my sister the past six months has made me feel lonelier than I've ever felt. And it's not because I've been alone. My relationships with my friends have flourished. I've never spent more time with parents. I speak to my brother every day.

My sister was my first roommate. We had to coordinate wake up times, shower times, bed time, who had to turn the light off, make rules about borrowing each other's clothes. You learn a lot about compromise and negotiation when you share a room. And my brother, as soon as I saw him I fell insanely in love with him. My dad tells me that when I found out he was a boy I asked if they could exchange him for another sister. That changed soon as I saw him and we brought him home. I spent endless hours watching him in his playpen in our dining room. I was amazed by him. As an infant he got a very high fever and was rushed to the hospital with a mysterious illness requiring a spinal tap and a host of other tests. They never figured out what it was and it went away and he came home. I was so scared. He was my baby. He was perfect and beautiful, so perfect I couldn't stop kissing him and playing with him.

Yesterday things got so bad between my sister and I that she told me she didn't trust me. I countered with, "if you don't trust me, we have nothing." And that's true. That must always be our foundation. I suddenly foresaw a future of seeing each other on Christmas and Thanksgiving with limited contact otherwise, instead of raising our kids together which is what I had always assumed we'd do. Today we are okay. Things are back to normal. We have made a truce. Thank God I am not alone anymore. My brother is not enough to make up for the loss of my sister. Just like my sister couldn't compensate for my brother. I need both. They are me and I am them. Without them I don't exist. "[T]he sibling relationship — not your relationship with your spouse or kids or parents — is likely to be the longest relationship of your life." http://abcnews.go.com/2020/story?id=124276 And it is the most gratifying one if you take advantage of it