Be Without You

Briana -
Illinois and I had a talk about our cyber relationship and its potential for calamity. Just like you and I, he is concerned for our mental and emotional health. He has read our call and responses and agrees with us that our interaction could be beneficial.

But like all of us so far in the know, I admit this is kind of weird!

While I have read some blogs that include or mention Illinois, I have spent more energy on the ones that include your relationships with your family members. I spent this past weekend with my grandmother who I am extremely close with and devoted to. We had a great time together doing the things we used to do when I lived 60 miles away. Hours after I said goodbye to her, as I said goodnight to my mother, I found the smell of her house and hair in my mother's hair. I immediately remembered your description of your grandmother and her apartment and the pain you felt once she was gone. When I wrote to you Sunday night, I was thinking of you telling your father about your personal decision, your reconnection to an old friend, your love for your mother, your quest for great shoes and your chipmunk cheeks. And I have felt uncomfortable being an anonymous reader. Maybe it was selfish to contact you in this way and possibly cause stress or frustration. I realize that now. But as my hand danced around the send button Sunday night, I was acting on honest feelings of respect and admiration. When I laugh out loud and later cry while reading something and still feel like the story has been told honestly, completely, concisely and openly, I want to thank or praise the writer--no matter who she may be.

I am still interested and willing to comment and further explain my thoughts on some of your blogs. I do think they are good and I do read a lot. Other bloggers/loggers/journal keepers that I am familiar with attempt to post thoughtful, original and insightful pieces that have their moments, but yours has a spirit and energy that prove your focus and hard work. As much as you care about learning from and understanding your experiences through your journal keeping, you care for your words, -the sentences they form and the paragraphs they build -as much as, if not more than, the lesson itself. That is my opinion of course.
I will keep you and your father in my thoughts.
all the best and until,
Mrs. Illinois
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Hi Mrs. Illinois,

Happy to hear from you.

You're amazing. Thank you so much. And I love that your connection with my and my writing has nothing to do with any salacious or voyeuristic intrigue. Glad you got to spend the weekend with your grandmother. I miss mine every minute every day.

I guess it wasn't stress or frustration per se, it was not having been thrown for a loop or surprised in a good way for so long that I wanted some answers. And praise from you is different from praise from anyone else. Or so I thought. But as I wrote yesterday, we didn't overlap, there is no competition between us, I don't harbor feelings of getting him back - I think you know that, and if anything it is probably only curiousity on both ends. So thanks for connecting with me on all of these other, more relevant levels. That is so cool. Wow.

And you are quite the wordsmith yourself Mrs. Ilinois!


So I want to continue too. I feel like we have been given a rare opportunity. You and Illinois are married and a long time ago, Illinois and I were almost married. That is what makes our almost normal situation so intriguing and made it so exciting for me to hear from you. It's the movie aspect; the 'sometimes the truth is stanger than fiction' bit that I find so alluring and as a result I find getting to know you better alluring and hearing what you think of me and my writing and what we have in common (obviously besides Illinois) even more alluring.

Additionally, it is rare that someone sees what I want them to see, the way I perceive /hope that I am presenting myself, how my words are as important as the lesson or message etc. I love that you saw that. That compounds my interest in maintaining a friendship with you and potentially us meeting each other (but we can go there later). Obviously a lot of my friends read it and they write things like, "feel better, I love you," and use the blog to keep up with how I'm doing and what I'm doing but for me it is art only I am using my life as the canvas and the words as the paint.

So my vote is that until/unless it gets too close for comfort in some way, we should continue.

I would love to hear anything you want to tell me. I am not sensitive so would even be interested in hearing about the stuff that doesn't work for you etc. At some point when you are comfortable or trust me enough I would like to hear what you think about the entries about me and Illinois. Obviously for our sociological experiment to fully be tested we should go there. But I understand also why you wouldn't want to or why we should maybe wait on that.

Just tell me where you are.

Briana
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So my life resembles The Truman Show. And I tune in regularly to see what will happen next. I am on the edge of my seat rapt with suspense over the the twists and turns it is taking. First I hear from Mrs. Illinois. That completely rocked my world and spun it around for a loop. What also rocked my world was how emotionless I was about it. Well, not emotionless. There was definitely emotion but it wasn't the emotion you'd expect to have for someone who married your ex-boyfriend mere months after he told you he didn't want something that serious and you realized after he married her that like Meg Ryan in When Harry Met Sally, he wanted to get married; he just didn't want to marry you.

The emotions were pride in feeling no pit in my stomach when I saw her name in the from line and my hands didn't betray me by shaking when I opened the email. I was curious. Very curious. And when I did read it, I was flattered and excited about getting to know more about her. That is a turn I did not expect my life to take. It is a very, 'sometimes the truth is stranger than fiction,' experience. I have no clue where the tide is going to take us but I know I am intrigued and definitely going along for the ride. Rare that your characters become real people who talk back to you and interact. Rare that you have the opportunity and emotional ability to pursue a connection with your ex's wife. How could I not.

Of course, people that care about me and have my interests in mind do not believe it is that simple. They can't comprehend that I might have dealt with their marriage and my break-up in a healthy way and I am over it and okay with it and okay with myself.

On 1/25/07, MY SISTER:
I don't really get it. Because Illinois is involved I don't really get it. I don't know if I could ever hang out with her. But thats me. Not you.
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ME: I have no interest in hanging out with Illinois. none at all. it would be purely the Mrs.
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1/25/07, MY SISTER wrote:
I know and I have no interest in hanging out with Mrs. Illinois.
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From: Briana
Sent: Thursday, January 25, 2007 4:21 PM
To: MY SISTER
Subject: Re:
i am intrigrigued on a sociological level ... I am being completely serious, my blog and the fact that ***** is now Illinois to me and not *****. Hard to explain but these people are characters and she will make the plot (odd that I say 'plot,' yet it is my life - not simply blog fodder) more interesting and how often do you get to actually meet your exboyfriend's wife and not be emotional about it to the point where you can go on that ride. it's crazy but so intriguing
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On 1/25/07, MY SISTER wrote:
I understand the intrigue, I just don't think I would want to do it. For me, they aren't characters. True, your blog has opened you up to many strangers that you may have never spoken to before and thats cool. But Illinois is never going to be a character for me. I don't want a connection to him. If you do then you do. I get it. But its not for me.
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On 1/25/07, I wrote:
my blog has changed my life and has made my life more a story and less a reality. and i remember sitting in my bed on carroll street writing away waiting for the day when the Illinois/babies disaster could all be on the page and out of my heart and just be a story, a sad story but not my sad story. i know now that the babies will never be out of my heart but Illinois is. i have no desire to see him or hear about him. But being able to talk to Mrs. Illinois makes me feel so proud of myself for arriving at the destination of over it and okay.
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From: V
Date: Jan 23, 2007 11:41 PM

I don't really understand the email dialogue between the two of you. I don't expect you to be bitchy or mean to her because she sounds nice but at the same time I don't understand what is going on. I know, you are in a different place than I am and because of that I can not comprehend all this. I would not be able to email her back so casually. I am angry, sad, hurt, pissed for you. I can't imagine Fig with another girl friend let alone a wife.

If you truly feel okay with it than it is fine. However, if there is a even an inkling of you that feels sad or bad about the whole thing than she has no busness emailing you and I'm not sure if it is a good idea. I know you can handle it but remember you are human and have come a long way and don't want to go back there. You are terrific!!! I love you. I'm sorry I'm being protective because the break-up pain is so fresh inside of me that I don't truly believe that anyone can be THAT nice but like I keep saying I am somewhere else right now. Either way you are Great!!!
love,
V

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From: Briana
Date: Jan 23, 2007 6:08 PM
To: V
I am truly okay with it. I can't say I want to go out to dinner with the two of them but whenever someone reads my blogs and connects with me through them I am sold. It means she sees the real me and the real me spoke to the real her in a way that compelled her to write me. She isn't the first but she is the most intriguing. It makes me wonder why she's with him but then again, I know why she's with him. I was with him too. But I don't feel territorial over him. You will be here. I swear. It's great. And my communicating with her is on a different level than us sniffing each other out. It's really cool and freeing and I think she's courageous for writing me, that's so cool of her to do. I bet she keeps his ass in shape where I took his shit. She seems like a cool chick to me. So I am okay. Thank you for being protective. I don't always know when I am in over my head but I am fairly certain that now I am not.
love,
B

Then last Friday in my feverish state I had AC, A and V standing over me yelling at me over my hospital bed. A kept repeating, "Bad bad bad bad," in response to my question about what the possible hypothetical bad things that could happen were for Mrs. Illinois and I to continue our contact. I tried to ask for specifics and no one could give me any that resonated, seemed realistic or were at all feasible. AC said that she wants to gain my trust and then put me down and 'win.' V mentioned something about her wanting my advice about Illinois. If she did, why would that be 'dangerous'? Nothing about the situation is realistic. I guess that's problem number one. How do you respond to something that you have no precedent for? And that's where I stick to my guns. The past two years have been fraught solely with surprises I was neither prepared for nor had precedent for or experience with. And I've been misunderstood misdiagnosed and mishandled by my friends and family because they didn't and couldn't relate because they had no experience with this stuff either. I think this is just another one of those things.

For once, a good thing fell into my lap. And I want to roll with it. I believe the blog and the timing and the movie aspect combine to enable me to have this emotional disconnect. It is like I am watching from above to see what will happen next. I tried to explain it to Alpha Taurus.
His response:
From: ALPHA TAURUS
To: Briana
Sent: Sat, 3 Feb 2007 12:19 AM
Subject: Re:

almost dying every few weeks must help your "above view" of things i would think. good perspective to have i guess.

From: Briana
To: Alpha Taurus
Sent: Sat, 3 Feb 2007 12:22 AM
Subject: Re:

i am totally laughing hysterically right now. you're right. that's what it is. that's got to be it. I just don't care about most things anymore and I don't know if it's super healthy or super weird but yeah it's definitely the dying thing. thank you for that. wow. you're very smart when you want to be. now i am officially going to bed.